


Ad Astra Per Aspera

by artyom



Category: Dead Poets Society (1989)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Epistolary, Family Issues, Fix-It, Fluff, I need their story to have a happy alternative ending okay, Internalized Homophobia, Just a little bit of angst but not that much tbh, Letters, M/M, Mutual Pining, Neil Perry (Dead Poets Society) Lives, Poetry, Slow Burn, alternative ending, clueless idiots, neil lives because i decided so-, neil needs a hug, todd is clueless
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-04
Updated: 2020-12-21
Packaged: 2021-03-01 00:16:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 23,026
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23476075
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/artyom/pseuds/artyom
Summary: The night after Neil's play at the theatre, Todd helps him to escape from his severe dad. The young actor finds shelter away from town and starts writing letters to his dear friend who stays in Welton. This epistolary exchange might bring their friendship to something different, or something more, while they have to stay apart.(or to put it simply "how I wish my favorite movie would have ended")
Relationships: Todd Anderson/Neil Perry
Comments: 43
Kudos: 67





	1. A Brilliant Idea

**Author's Note:**

> Dead Poets Society is one of those movies I can't ever forget. It's such an important one to me, as it is for a lot of people I think. I relate to Neil's character more than any other character for specific reasons, and I just had to write something about those boys. I l o v e them.  
> This is a sort of "fix it" fic I guess, just a "but what if Neil ran away THAT night?" thought that went too far... Look, I just want my boys to be happy and to write each other sweet letters (that's really what all the first part of this fic is about)  
> Disclaimer : I'm not a native English speaker, so I'm really sorry if my writing is clumsy or if there are a few mistakes in my chapters...  
> Hope you like it, please don't hesitate to comment your opinion on it!

The only thing Todd wanted to do was to find Neil and tell him how proud of him he was. He really wanted to admit how wrong he had been in the very beginning to ever doubt this whole acting thing. He wanted to hug him, maybe, and to spend the night celebrating with all their friends. He couldn’t believe the sudden wave of joy he was feeling, only caused by his friend performing his art on stage like that. He stumbled out of the theater following his classmates who were, of course, all cheering and clapping. But once he was outside, he found himself stopped by Charlie and bumped into his back. Why did this idiot just stop there ? Actually, why weren't any of these idiots moving ? He got up on the tip on his feet, and the first thing he saw when he looked up was Neil's face disappearing behind a tinted car window. The young man didn't say anything, but his eyes were definitely screaming for help. Todd understood right away. So did his classmates. They all chaotically started protesting and shouting at Mr. Perry, who clearly wasn't happy about his son's performance.

─ _Please, boys. Don't make a scene._ Mr. Keating tried to warn them in vain

Todd Anderson was the kind of person who never made scenes. Ever. Truth be told, so far he had spent his life being too quiet to really be noticed in any way, good or bad. But tonight, Todd Anderson surely was about to make one big memorable scene. He was more upset than he ever remembered being. The joy and cheerful excitment for hisbm friend had completely disappeared, and all the silent anger he felt every time Neil would talk to him about his father being a heartless prick was resurfacing all at once. This was just too suddenly disappointing. Too unfair. And so he did something he would never have thought himself capable of. He walked firmly through the crowd and stood up in the middle of the street, right in front of the black fancy car Neil was trapped in. He crossed his arms to seem more sure of himself than he actually was. Sure, he was boiling, but he still was just one quiet boy facing a car in the middle of a city road. He had absolutely no idea what he was doing, but he was doing it for Neil. Hopefully, all of his friends immediately joined him, and together, without even concerting, they formed some sort of barricade blocking the streets. Thanks to the odds, this was a one-way road, so Neil's dad couldn't really go anywhere else. He honked twice but the boys ignored it and stayed here, united, and shouting at him quite provocatively. Todd felt raw courage growing in his chest, standing beside the others to get their friend the glory and freedom he deserved. For a moment, it seemed like everything at once stopped moving. The car, Neil's friends, Mr Keating, curious strangers who attended the play. Everyone just stood there, intrigued, unable to foresee what could possibly happen next. Everything was so still. The snow that had begun to fall in town that night made it seem all silent. " _Get out Neil. Come on, get out of here, get out of the bloody car."_ Todd prayed. And almost like he heard it, the young actor suddenly opened the car door and threw himself out of the vehicle. Ignoring his father’s threatening shouts, he ran behind his classmates' human wall and eventually found Todd. He placed a hand on his shoulder, out of breath.

─ _Wha-_ Todd started

─ _I need to go Todd, now._ Neil cut him immediately

His eyes were wide open, and his friend couldn’t see the malice that was usually shining in them at all time. Todd's mind started racing. He was a bit worried about what might happen to them after all this. No. No, this time he couldn't afford worrying. Because Neil needed him. And Todd owed him that. His friend kept looking behind him, trying to catch his breath.

─ _Now._ He repeated with a louder, anxious voice

Todd was actually concerned of how scared his friend was of his own father. For once, he seemed to be scared about the consequences of his actions. For once, Todd needed to act.

─ _I have an idea but it-_

─ _Whatever it is I'll take it !_

They both turned their head to the sound of a car door being slammed. In only a few moments, it would all be too late, it would all be for nothing. No way. Without any warning, Todd took Neil's hand and started running. The latter stumbled while Todd dragged him across the street, almost slipping on the ground covered in melting snow. He quickly caught up with his roommate's pace and ran behind him, holding onto his hand. Todd took him all the way down the alley while Mr Perry’s yelling slowly faded away. Both of the boys probably had never ran as fast as they did that night, and Neil squeezed the other boy's hand as tight as he could, as not to lose him. Being the clever young men they were, they kept taking new turns, running through different parallel streets. Neil wondered if Todd knew where in hell they were going, but somehow didn’t really care. He looked at his friend, and shouted between two shaky breath :

─ _Brilliant idea indeed !_

Todd started laughing lightly and turned back to watch his friend, who's smile grew larger. Neil had this particular way of smiling. It was that warm, sincere smile that always communicated joy to everyone. Well, at least to him.

They continued their runaway, the sound of their laughs echoing in the cold streets. Neil felt his panic slowly evaporating, as he kept Todd's warm hand locked in his own and watched the streetlights go by as they ran. Snowflakes landed in his hair and on his face, his feet made crunching noises when he stepped in the snow, it all felt like some sort of dream. They couldn't even feel their legs getting tired and couldn't care less about the disapproving looks and annoyed comments from the few strangers who saw them chaotically rushing in the streets. When Todd suddenly stopped, Neil bumped into his back, almost making both of them fall on the pavement. He lifted his head and noticed that his friend had stopped right in front of a local autobus station. An old one, quite far from the town center, but still used. Todd looked at it and then at his friend, quite proud of himself.

─ _And... what now ?_ Neil asked frowning, unsure of what he was insinuating

─ _Well, you hop on a bus,_ he answered, _Uh, preferably before anyone sees you, I guess._

Neil stopped to think for a second. He wouldn't admit it but he was actually worried. He didn't want to go back to his father, he knew he wouldn't survive it. But going on a bus all alone without any direction ? He wasn't sure if he could do it. He wasn't sure if he even knew what to do. He didn’t have any clothes, any food, only his purse which was as full as you’d expect an eighteen years old student’s one to be. He caught a glance at his friend. None of them knew better.

─ _Y-you'll be alright_ , Todd tried to reassure him, _it... it can't be worse than your father's car right ?_

─ _Right._ Neil confirmed, chuckling sadly

He sighed while his friend looked at the sign indicating bus hours. He felt grateful for having him by his side right now. He was so glad to be right here, in the freezing night, with him, rather than stuck in his father’s car. But the thing was... Now he was truly afraid to leave him.

─ _Will you be, uh... coming with me ?_ he asked with a lower voice

Todd looked at him uneasy but with a sincerely apologetic look in his eyes.

─ _I can't really... I..._

Neil didn’t answer and looked down at his shoes wet with melted snow. He was right, but it truly was scary. Scary to get away alone knowing his father probably wanted him dead already. But taking Todd with him meant creating more problems, being easier to notice, making this unplanned runaway more likely to fail. His friend seemed to feel guilty about it, and Neil immediately regretted asking him.

─ _You're right._ he said before his friend could add anything else, _You can't come with me. You'll have to tell everyone I ran by myself and you tried to catch me but you lost me in some street. If my father tries to scare you, just tell everyone that you care about my poor soul too and that from the start you tried to convince me not to do any of this. They'll believe you at some point, they'll leave you alone Todd.  
_

Todd looked at him and nodded slowly, confused, not sure if he'll remember all of what he just said. The gentle smile Neil gave him reassured him for a moment.

─ _Look, this one’s coming right our way !_ Todd announced pointing at a big autobus all painted black.

Neil chuckled victoriously and looked at his friend with relief and excitement. As frightening as this was, the adrenaline rushing in his body still made him excited about what was happening. He felt like he was finally doing all the teenage mischief his parents had always kept him from doing.

─ _Good luck Neil._

The young man stared at him, more than thankful. What on earth could he had ever done to deserve Todd ? He breathed out, a bit overwhelmed by everything.

─ _Thank you Todd. I'll miss you, but thanks._

Todd tried to smile back. He'll probably miss him too, but he was too caught in the moment to really think about it. The bus slowly arrived at the stop, blinding the boys with big yellow lights. The doors opened. The driver didn't say anything. Neil stepped in, looked back and opened his mouth to say something, maybe one last goodbye, but Todd noticed people screaming his friend's name from a few blocks away.

─ _Quickly Neil, hop on !_ Todd hurried him, pushing him inside the bus

The doors immediately closed on Neil’s confused face. The bus started going again. And suddenly, Neil was gone. Todd stood there, in front of the empty street. Neil was gone. He was going, up there in this old, cranky looking bus. And Todd was staying, down there in the chilly dark street. He didn't think it would feel so sudden and so weird. He came back to reality when he heard the shouting again, only this time more clearly. He knew he had to get away from the bus stop, or it'd look way too suspicious. So he decided to run to them, shouting Neil's name too so they could maybe believe he was just searching for him in the dark as well.

Hopefully, the first person he stumbled into was Mr. Keating.

─ _Ha-Have you found him ?_ Todd asked trying to be as convincing as possible

Unfortunately, the teacher was extremely good at finding where truth lied and where lies grew. He looked at him and answered with a peculiar smile :

─ _No Mr. Anderson, we haven't._

A bunch of people arrived, all running.

─ _Where the hell is my son ?_ Mr. Perry yelled at them both

He looked completely hysterical. Todd felt a lump of fear in his throat as he desperately tried to answer the man he now despised :

─ _I, I don't know sir I-_

─ _Where did he go, uh ?_ he asked even more aggressively

\- _I have no id-_

\- _This isn't some fun game Mr. Anderson, something could happen to him, he has to come back home !_

\- _I have no idea where he went !_ Todd shouted back tired of being cut all the time

Mr. Keating, and pretty much everyone looked at him with wide shocked eyes. Todd never screamed. Todd was the quiet, shy kid who hated being the center of attention, not really the one to shout at adults.

\- _I tried to catch up but he ran too fast Mr. Perry, I lost sight of him and I, I_

Todd didn't realize he started sobbing, but suddenly it became way harder to speak, and his shoulders were shaking and he couldn’t stop wiping off the light tears on his cheeks.

\- _Sir, he clearly doesn't know anything_ , claimed Mr. Keating, _there's no need to trouble that boy even more._

His teacher must have thought that Todd too was a good actor, but he just really wanted to cry right now.

\- _I want you to know that I hold you responsible for what's happening_ , Neil's father threatened pointing the professor, _And you as well._

Todd looked up and answered as distinctly as he could right now, and as Neil asked him to :

\- _I was always the serious one to try and discourage him from doing all this, so I wouldn't be the one encouraging your son to run away._

_\- He's right !_ Someone added from behind, _Todd would never do that, and Neil would never listen anyway._

\- _Nobody asked you anything, Mr. Overstreet._ Mr. Perry answered without even looking at him

Todd silently thanked his friend for trying to defend him. He could clearly use some supportive brothership right now. The atmosphere was getting tenser. Neil's dad was clearly furious, yet stayed dauntingly silent for a moment.

\- _I will find the ones in this school responsible for making my son do this. This will not end there I can assure you it will not._

He got calmer than a few minutes ago, but not less scary. Todd never had problems for saying the wrong thing, because he usually never said anything. But right now, he was making all the efforts in the world not to say what he wanted Neil's dad to know. But somehow all the efforts in the world weren't enough.

\- _Maybe he didn't need anyone for that._ He mumbled

\- _What did you say ?_ Mr. Perry barked at the young man

For a second, he believed the man would hit him, but a high pitched voice stopped the conflict :

- _Thomas this is enough !_

Neil's mom just arrived out of breath, with puffy red eyes. Todd liked her more than the man she married. At least, it seemed she cared for him the right way.

\- _We will go to the police, find Neil_ , she continued less sure of herself, _But leave these poor boys alone, we’ve all had a rough night._

His husband didn't answer. No one did. Everything stayed silent until Mr. Keating announced calmly :

\- _Yes, we all had. I will take Neil's classmates back to Welton, I think they all need to rest now. We will discuss all of this tomorrow, if you will._

Thomas Perry didn't answer, but Mr. Keating led the boys away anyway. Everyone walked in silence, though Todd could feel the interrogating looks his friends were giving him. They saw him taking Neil’s hand a few moments before. They knew he was aware of something no one else was. But for now, he couldn't share it. He could only hope that Neil would find where to go. That he would be alright. He found himself sitting on his bed without really remembering walking up the stairs. He sighed and looked at the window. He forgot to close the curtains, but he didn't really care. He could see the sharp moonlight reflecting on the wooden floor. He laid down in the dark under the soft covers, facing the cold white ceiling. Todd couldn't help but realize he was alone. He was laying there, unless Neil wasn't laying next to him. Something was inevitably missing. He was in his room, as he had been every night since September unless the young actor wasn't there with him. Todd was alone. He turned around and stared blankly at the empty bed next to his. It wasn't even done properly, classic Neil habit. A tear fell down on his pillow and got absorbed by the fabric. And another, and another and another until Todd clumsily passed his hand on his face to wipe them pretty angrily. He actually hated himself for feeling like this. Loneliness never bothered him before, he had been alone nearly all his life, that was just how he preferred being. But what was getting him in tears right now wasn't exactly the fact that no one was there, it was the fact that _Neil Perry_ wasn’t. Which was actually different, but no less a problem for Todd, for he didn't expect it to be that big of a deal. He didn't want it to be that big of a deal. Yet here he was, alone and unable to get rid of this feeling of loss. He tossed and turned during quite some time before he could finally fall into a dreamless sleep.


	2. To Wait

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so here's chapter 2 ! I wrote it (as the first chapter) a few months ago and I took time to edit it a bit before posting it here  
> fun fact, this chapter is the exact same number of words as the previous one, i have no idea how i managed to do that but lol  
> hope you like it!

─ _So you’re telling us that your roommate didn’t tell you anything about running away ?_

_─ No, he didn’t._

Todd was sitting in a very uncomfortable wooden chair, staring at the fancy desk. Two policemen, apparently not so happy to be here, were sitting in front of him. Behind them were standing both Mr. Perry and the school's director.

─ _But he was your friend right ?_ the first agent sighed

_─ He is my friend_ , Todd corrected, _But he never talked about running away. Only about acting._

─ _And what did you tell him ? About acting in this play ?_

_─ I tried to convince him otherwise._

Even if this was only half a lie, Todd was feeling a bit uneasy. He was used to white lies and to avoid telling the entire truth from time to time, but that didn’t even come close to lying in front of the police. Yet somehow the thing that made him the most uneasy wasn't deliberately lying to the authorities, but rather the fact that he didn't actually know that much. All he knew was that Neil took a bus, with his help. To where and for how long, he didn't have a clue. He couldn’t believe he didn't even check what bus his friend took the night he left. What kind of an idiot and mediocre friend doesn't even check that ? Todd sighed. At least he wasn't with his father, that was one thing to be happy about. The fact that his friend had run away from there still felt right somehow. _Seizing the day I guess_ , Todd thought to himself. Although he still felt the unpleasant regret of not being able to take the time to tell Neil that he was wrong about his idea and that he had been incredible in that play _._ He still wished that he could have congratulated Neil, that he could have encouraged him to continue into his way and that he could have let him know he admired him, in a way. In many ways. Why was he thinking about him like he was dead ? He wasn't dead. He just wasn't there anymore.

_─ Mr. Anderson ? I believe we asked you something._

The two men interrogating him were clearly losing patience.

_─ I- uh I'm sorry w-what did you say ?_ Todd asked while trying to get out of his thoughts

─ _I said did Mr. Neil Perry often talked about someplace he knew other than his parents' house ?_

Todd looked away for a moment. He did talk about a lot of things, it was sometimes hard to follow.

─ _No, he didn't._

─ _Did he ever mention someone his parents didn't know ?_

_─ No._

─ _Do you have any idea where he could have gone last night ?_

_─ I don't._

And the worst was, he really didn't. The more he tried not to think about it the more it made his heart speed up and his palm sweat.

─ _Do you know if he left the town ? If he went away to stay at a hotel ? Or if he left by a taxi ? Anything ? Any detail from that night could be useful to find your friend._

Todd began to nervously shake his leg. He was tired of all this interrogation thing. Not only did he fear being caught, but he didn't want to think about Neil right now. It made him overly anxious.

─ _I-I don't have any idea about a-any of this_

The two policemen looked at each other, discouraged by the young man's lack of precise answers. They sighed before telling him with a blank look :

─ _Well this will be all Mr. Anderson, you can go._

Todd got up awkwardly and nodded. As he walked to the door, he could feel Mr. Perry's despising look piercing his back. The more he knew this man, the scarier he got. He said goodbye to the three men but none of them answered. Todd didn't like policemen. He didn't like Neil's dad either. Without Neil's dad, his friend would still be there. It was really that simple, yet this empty-headed man couldn't understand. Or didn't want to. Todd opened the door in a rush and almost bumped into Mr. Keating, who looked at him quite concerned.

\- _How did it go ?_

Todd just shrugged, and Mr. Keating gave him an amused look :

_\- Well you know, I don't think it'll be marvelous for me either._

The door closed on the professor and Todd stood there for a moment, thinking about what his teacher meant exactly. Could Mr. Perry’s threats frighten him ? He hoped nothing bad would come out of this for him. Todd would feel guilty to bring trouble on such an incredible teacher.

When he had woken up this morning, this whole runaway thing almost seemed too sudden to be real. But it was. Because right now, he would just get up and go to class, everyone would. Except for Neil. The week that followed his "disappearance" was the oddest week Todd ever had, as far as he remembered. It was as if every day melted into one big unstable loop. Classes with stressing out teachers, quick meals, same nights alone in a two beds room. Todd was used to letting time passing him by, but now it seemed time had collapsed. It wasn't even that bad, it just felt like all there was in life now was _waiting_. Waiting for things to go back the way they were. Waiting for things to feel more normal again. Waiting for Neil to come back. And Todd knew he was being stupid, or more precisely really immature, because he sure hoped his friend wouldn't return here. Yet somehow he still found himself waiting. He couldn't help but wait. And to wait was sometimes extremely tiring. Especially because the young student knew he was waiting for nothing. Or so he hoped. To wait for something that you hope will never come, Todd knew this was an extremely foolish thing to do. Maybe that's why everything seemed so weird this week.

And so did the one that followed, but he kind of got used to it, as he always did. He would still hang out with his friends, but always quiet, he was kind of just there, which could sometimes annoy the others. Not that they had moved on though.

─ _I miss the Dead Poets Society._ Charlie once blurted out on a boring afternoon

Everyone at the table looked shocked but realizing they all felt the same, nodded in a silent agreement. It had been exactly two weeks since no one heard of Neil.

─ _Why don't we try to gather in the cave again ? Tonight, or tomorrow night or, anytime soon ?_ he asked with a genuine smile

Todd appreciated his efforts to make the boys feel a bit better. None of his friends were really convinced, but the first to answer was Steven :

─ _I don't know Charlie, if we get caught it'll look pretty suspicious don't you think ? I won’t sit through an interrogation with two bored policemen a second time._

─ _Not getting caught was always a part of this wasn't it ?_

─ _Yes well maybe it is time stop "this"_ Richard answered promptly

_─ I don't know Richard, it could be fun ? Why should our reunions stop after Neil's gone ?_

Todd looked at him. He really was trying to cheer up the group, wasn’t he. After all, he was right, but would it feel the same without the actor ?

─ _Maybe Neil would still be there if none of this ever happened._

There was an incredibly tensed silence. No one believed the young man had just said what he said.

─ _What..._ started Knox, _What is that supposed to mean ?_

_─ I belive you're clever enough to know perfectly what I mean._

He had such a condescending tone, Todd didn’t like where this conversation was going.

_─ Are you seriously blaming us for Neil's disappearance ?_

_─ Come on, you know what Mr. Keating started made this happen._

Knox slowly frowned and stared at his classmate, who didn’t seem to know how to react. He seemed absolutely furious. But no one added anything. Todd was trying to figure out what to think. What if he was actually right ? Maybe without Mr. Keating Neil wouldn't have gone to the play, maybe then Neil would still be there. And it would all be much simpler. This kind of thinking was easy, but Todd didn’t really buy it somehow. He couldn't help but picture how Neil's eyes shined when he was talking about it, how euphoric he was when he knew he got the role. He couldn't just deny how much joy acting brought to his friend. The question wasn't « What if Neil had never been encouraged to pursue acting ? », it was « What if he had been even more encouraged ? » Todd wished he had been supported as he deserved. Ideally by his own father.

─ _Neil's father wants Mr. Keating out of Welton and you know what ? I think he's right-_

_─ Screw what you think Richard !_ Knox shouted

Todd silently thanked him for this. Oh, God knows he was right. And God knows Todd was tired of this meaningless fighting.

─ _Maybe you'll realize whose side you should be_ _on_ , Richard insisted, _Something worst could have happened_

─ _Oh stop it._

Everyone turned back to Todd who suddenly stood up without really thinking about it. He sat back once he realized all his friends’ eyes were on him. He tried his best to continue with his point :

_─ Maybe to reunite together is- isn’t a bad idea._

Richard rolled his eyes and left. After a weird silence, Charlie chuckled and tapped on Todd’s shoulder :

_─ So._ He began with a smirk, _Who’s in ?_

And so they decided to sneak out of their room again. Todd had last-minute hesitations, Neil was often the one to convince him to go. He liked to think Neil would be happy about them reuniting again after weeks.

─ _So I had this idea about making a tribute, for Neil_ , Knox announced as he got into the cave, almost bumping his head hard against the hard "ceiling".

─ _Neil's not dead._ Todd pointed out, confused

─ _But still !_

Todd shrugged as an agreement. After all, he hadn't planned anything so he was in no position to complain.

─ _I brought a Rimbaud poem_

_─ Rain-who ?_ Charlie mocked

─ _It's french poetry !_ he answered exaggeratedly outraged

─ _And when exactly did you learn how to speak french ?_ he smirked

Knox hit his head with the book he brought.

─ _It's a translation, you uncultured idiot._

They all laughed, quite light-hearted and he started reading. The poem really suited Neil after all, it was about an impulsive run away in the countryside or something. Todd decided he would start reading more about Rimbaud’s works from now on, the french artist seemed interesting. Todd let the boys talk and observed quietly, as he often did. It was harder to step up and participate now, but seeing this still brought back the comfortable feeling of belonging. When the time came to go back to their room, he felt pretty cheerful. For the first time in weeks, there was more than waiting. But once in bed late in the night, he couldn't close his eyes without feeling his heart sinking deep inside his chest. He just couldn't help it, he couldn't help but think about everything that could have happened since his friend took this bus. How guilty would he feel if anything bad actually happened. Maybe he did the wrong thing after all. Maybe he'd be much better if he just came back home. No, that didn't make sense. Did it ? He buried his face in his pillow trying to get rid of all this overthinking. But to have no news, no clue, it was too much to handle somehow. He wished for a call, a sign, a single word that could let him know. He tried to breathe away his crying urge. He tried naively to repeat himself that wherever his friend was, he was surely safe. He started wondering when did he got that attached to his roommate, but found sleep before answers.

The next morning, his friends seemed to have magically gained back their cheerful energy. It was really nice to witness.

─ _You have a WHAT with WHOM ?_ Charlie whispered quite intensely

─ _You heard me right my friend, a date !_ Knox claimed

─ _No way_ , Steven rolled up his eyes

─ _You are all a bunch of jealous morons,_ he retorqued _, Todd, you're not saying anything ? Aren’t you proud of me ?_

The young man chuckled awkwardly. He really liked Knox, but to be honest, him getting a date with Chris was the least of his problems right now.

─ _Ah I can always arrange you something with Chris' friends !_ he kept joking around

─ _Oh I’d be glad to see that Knox, I'm interested !_ Steven said before wheezing

Not interested. That was exactly how Todd would describe it. He had never been interested in girls for as long as he could remember. It wasn't a big deal, and surprisingly, he really didn’t mind at all not having girls’ attention. He did kiss a girl once though, when he was about thirteen. Didn't enjoy it, moved on. He was too much of an introvert for any girl to notice anyway.

The rest of the day went on a bit better than expected. Todd decided to head to the school library during the break, determined to read more of this French poet. He searched for quite a long moment, before finding a little book with a scrappy cover titled « _Rimbaud, Complete Poems And Translations_ ». He took it, satisfied with his discovery. Before getting out, he overheard two tensed voices from the next alley of the library, but he couldn’t comprehend much. He peeked through the books and saw Mr. Keating in what seemed like an argument with Welton’s Director. He didn’t dare to get closer and just waited there with his book. Once the place fell in silence again, he headed to the exit quickly, and still managed to meet his teacher. The man seemed really concerned but his look calmed when he saw the young student.

─ _Rimbaud ?_ He smiled, _Interesting choice Todd._

The boy nodded, a little proud of having his teacher’s approbation. He was about to leave when he suddenly found the courage to ask :

_─ Is everything alright Mr. Keating ? With all of this going on…_

He didn’t know how to explain himself better, but the teacher seemed to understand his concerns.

─ _For now, it is._

He simply wished Todd a good weekend and left, convincing the student that things might not stay as alright as they were « for now ». He left the library with worries in mind and a book in his hand. He started reading it as soon as his classes ended, and kept doing so all weekend, not studying for a bit.

Mondays were never good for Todd. Mondays were never good for anyone, but this Monday felt particularly heavy. Except something quite strange happened on that heavy morning. Todd received a letter.

\- _Are you sure it's for me_? he asked with a sleepy voice _, I never get anything here._

The guy who was handing him a letter seemed as tired as he was.

_\- Todd Anderson right ? There's literally your name on it so just take it._

And so he did. He kept it in his bag all day, having forgotten about it. Between two classes, he put back his notebooks in his bag, he saw it again and decided to get it over with. It was a light grey envelope, with only Welton's address on it and his name, in really pretty and neat handwriting. Except when he opened it, the handwriting wasn't the same. It was quite messy, quick, and oddly familiar. Todd’s heart seemed to skip a beat when he read the first three words that were written on the front of the paper in capital letters :

" _READ THIS ALONE_ "

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> who doesn't like some french poetry references ? joke aside, i really like Rimbaud, i studied a lot of his poems a few years ago. thought i'd incorporate his works in my fic.  
> you can let me know what you thought about this chapter by leaving a comment!  
> thanks again for reading!


	3. First Letter from a Dead Poet

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i wrote this chapter late in the night instead of sleeping but i guess quarantine is giving me enough time to sleep in the morning. also, sorry for the chapter title i had no inspiration whatsoever lol  
> anyway, this chapter is the beginning of the epistolary exchange, i hope it turns out well !

Feeling so many things at once in the laps of a few seconds after spending weeks in an overall numbness was almost violent, but so relieving. Todd felt as if electricity was rushing in his body. He blinked and tried to concentrate on the exercise book laying flat in front of him. He was scratching the corner of the page and shaking his left leg under the desk. God knows he was trying to set his mind to concentrate on Latin, but all he could really think about right now was those three words. After seeing it, he immediately put the piece of paper back into the envelope, to keep it from the eyes of the crowded corridor. And now here it was, at the bottom of his bag, between chemistry and poetry books. After all, it was only a letter. But Todd wouldn’t have been this excited if he wasn’t convinced that it was from Neil. It had to be. He never received a single thing by mail since he was in this damn school, and now this. It had to be from him. To be fair, Todd needed it to be from him. Except now he had to wait a whole day to actually be sure.

_─ Mr. Anderson, I don’t know if you expect to learn Latin by staring at the window but it seems like a fairly questionable method._

Todd jumped on his seat when he remembered he was in Latin class. He didn’t answer and pretended to note down something in his notebook. Shit, all he could think about was Neil. He felt like he was so close to finally have information about him, he couldn’t bear waiting. He tried calming himself down, he had only one class to sit through before the end of the day. Obviously, the class was insufferably long. Todd even had the time to imagine the cruel disappointment he’d feel if the letter wasn’t actually from Neil. Even just imagining it made him want to cry, he was a total mess. He couldn’t focus more than a second on the class, because he was just too damn worried, too busy praying for his friend’s safety, too emotionally drained. After what seemed like a painful eternity, he was able to get out and to head straight to his dorm room.

─ _Todd aren’t you coming with us for dinner ?_

The young man didn’t even turn to see who was asking

─ _I’m skipping !_

He shouted already running in the corridor. He climbed the little stairs faster than he ever did, while searching for the envelope at the same time, and rushed into his room. He let his bag fall down, only keeping the precious letter in his hand. He sat onto his bed and took back where he had stopped. He read again the capital letters that spelled « _READ THIS ALONE_ » and took a deep breath before beginning

« _This is meant to fall in the hands of Todd Anderson and him only._

_Todd,_

_I hope you find this letter as well as a way to let me know it’s really you who found it. I also hope you can forgive me for waiting so long before writing this letter, believe me, I’ve been eager to do it, only I was scared it would put you in trouble. In the end, as you can see, I couldn’t resist. Now I can let you know that I found somewhere to stay. It’s quite far from here, quite far from everything actually, but it is truly nice. I wish you could see it, I’m sure it’s exactly the kind of place you enjoy !_

_I assume life in Welton hasn’t changed much since I’m gone, still, I have been dying to know how you’re doing, those two weeks have been quite long without being able to reach you. Ah, forgive me for getting a bit emotional there. Please send me back an answer Todd, you’re better with words than I am. I want to know, don’t spare details, hell write six pages if you must ! I wish I would have done the same, and sign my name, but for reasons you will understand, I need to be sure what I write is read by you and you only._

_Sincerely yours,_

_A Dead Poet »_

Todd chuckled emotionally, almost sobbing. God, he had missed him so bad. The relief he felt while reading those lines again and again was almost indescribable. It flowed through his body making him both relaxed and incredibly excited at the same time. Neil sent him a letter. Most importantly, Neil was safe. He read the whole thing one last time, and carefully folded the paper to hold it against his chest, back laying against the wall. He couldn’t possibly get rid of the stupid smile stuck on his face. He felt like Neil’s voice had spoken those written words directly to him. Images of the young actor flooded his mind all at once, he could imagine his intelligent sparkling eyes and his warm smiles so distinctly it almost hurt. He sighed. The fact his friend was safe and could communicate with him again after days of nothing was all he ever needed to know. Or was it ? Maybe he wanted to know more. Dozens of questions crashed in his head, his mind was literally rushing too fast for him to follow. He didn’t even realize how late it was, how long he had spent reading that over and over and thinking over and over. He should sleep, he should definitely go to bed, but how could he ? Instead, he got up from the bed and sat at the little desk. He looked at the typewriter but figured he wanted to write, he wanted it to feel more personal. He began writing, not caring about his ugly handwriting for once. He smiled, thrilled. It was so much easier to say things by writing them down. There had been so many moments when he wished he had told his friend a million other things than what actually came out of his mouth. Writing felt definitely better than speaking up. He stayed up in front of his desk until late, and once finished, he stared at the two little pieces of paper he just wrote.

« _Dear Neil,_

_What a relief to know you’re safe, what a relief to know you found a safe place away from here, what a relief to know I didn’t cause you trouble trying to help you that night. Trust me, I was worried sick that whatever I did then would cause more harm than good. Neil, I’m so glad it didn’t. I can finally know I made the right decision for once in my life, and I hope you know now that I am on your side, no matter what._

_You assume well, life in Welton is as boring as you can imagine (and I am sure you can imagine that pretty well). Still, I can’t pretend things are absolutely the same, it does feel quite different without you around. I assure you, I didn’t know I got used to having you sat by the window, but now, I think I miss it. I miss you, we all do. I have been a little distracted during those two weeks, strangely enough, I could barely tell you what subject is being taught in arithmetics this week. What I could tell you about is how everything here is covered in snow. All the trees in the parc, the gloomy brick buildings, everything in Welton turned white and silent. I find it very pretty. I hope that, wherever you are, there is snow as well, please tell me more about this place. To prove you this is really Todd Anderson writing you, I will join the first poem I ever wrote in the envelope. Please don’t laugh. Or please do, I don’t know._

_Every single Dead Poets Society member has been interrogated by the police, I thought I would let you know. None of them told anything that could get you into trouble, but I guess none of them really know what happened anyway. I did not tell anything either, I promise you. You claim that I’m better with words than you, but this letter must look quite chaotic, pardon me, know that it has been written in the late hours of the night. I just couldn’t wait to write you back, after spending those two weeks wondering where you could have ended up._

_Please keep writing to me, Neil. For two weeks I couldn’t quite get used to the silence of your absence, and in the end I kept hoping I would never get used to it. Seems like it is my turn to be dramatically emotional, sorry. But please, break the silence, send me more letters. Tell me about anything. Tell me everything about your new life, your new place. There is not much happening at Welton, we barely do reunions of the Dead Poets Society anymore. I am convinced that you have so much to tell, and I have so much to ask. How do your surroundings look like now ? Where is this place you found ? How much did you have to travel to get there ? Did you get into trouble ? How are you able to stay ? Are you able to keep on acting there ? I truly hope you are._

_Sincerely yours,_

_Todd. »_

The young man sighed, laying his back on the wooden chair. He didn’t feel awake enough to wonder if this felt too personal, he just folded the freshly written along with the little piece of paper with his poem written on it. He took an envelope out of the stack he had and put everything in it. He checked Neil’s letter to see that he had carefully written his address at the back of it. He wrote it mindlessly on the paper and left it on his desk before he went to bed. The thought of Neil having made it to a safe place lulling him to sleep, he didn’t even think about how tired he was gonna be in the morning.

Although he surely felt it when he woke up early this Tuesday, with his head spinning and his eyes flickering to the light of the academy’s corridors. And still, the first thing he did before having breakfast was to post his letter. He wanted Neil to receive it as soon as possible, so he would answer. He ate a nice breakfast, realizing skipping dinner might not have been the brightest idea he ever had and told himself he had to pay attention to his classes now. And he sure tried, but it was hard. It was nothing like the previous weeks, but he would still let his mind wander and imagine where the hell his friend might have run away. At some point, he would feel guilty for knowing Neil was fine while his friends, and even his parents, ignored everything. He tried not to think too much about it, but he still wanted to ask his friend he could at least tell the other boys that Neil was alright. Telling his parents was obviously out of the question. Todd shivered thinking about Mr. Perry’s reaction if he ever learned about the bus, about the letter. Two days passed during which Todd managed to catch up a bit with classes. Although he did ask for mail at every lunch break now. Not later than Thursday, his heart jumped into his chest as he received a light grey envelope, with the same fancy-looking handwriting spelling his name and Welton’s address. He took it and went back to the table where all his friends were sitting.

─ _Well, well, well, what do we have here ?_ Charlie asked with a smirk, trying to see the envelope

─ _Oh, hm nothing_ , Todd mumbled

─ _Can we take a look at this « nothing » ?_ the other student winked at him

─ _No !_ Todd retorqued, maybe with too much energy

He was scared his friends could see that Neil was writing to him.

_─ Why so secret Anderson ?_ Charlie insisted, _Can’t we see who’s writing you letters in such cute little envelopes ?_

─ _No one, it’s uh- it’s private_

Todd realized too late this was not the right thing to sat to make them all stop staring at him.

─ _I think our friend here is having a secret relationship with some lady and has been writing her intense love letters without even sharing this spicy story with us !_

Everyone at the table laughed. Todd didn’t know if it was because it was actually funny, or rather because they all knew the chances of him writing romantic letters to « some lady » were practically inexistent. He ignored them and kept eating, too impatient to read Neil’s answer to really mind their harmless laughs. He waited until afternoon classes were over to read it. This time, he did have dinner before heading to his dorm room. He carefully opened the envelope to take the letter out. He smiled before starting reading

« _Dear Todd,_

_Thank god my letter arrived. For a moment, I thought about what would have happened if someone else had found it. I’m better off without those thoughts. Now, I can tell you everything._

_Taking a train without a ticket is easier than you would expect. If I have to start this story somewhere, I figured I would start it right there. The bus you helped me get into took me to the train station, which honestly, felt like a reward from the gods. Or maybe it was just chance. Once inside the not so crowded station, I felt quite lost. I suddenly doubted our runaway idea. But I gathered my courage Todd, I had to find an idea, a brilliant one, just like the one you had come up with only an hour ago. So I thought, over and over, about a place I could go. I needed no regrets, no doubts, or not a single thing holding me back. Carpe Diem, or judging by the hour of my escape, Carpe Noctem. And suddenly, here it was. My idea._

_After the idea, comes the plan, of course. I spend quite a long time staring at the map, comparing it to the planned trains. I didn’t have much choice, you can imagine. That is how I took the midnight train, without a ticket. Doesn’t this sound like the beginning of an adventure novel ? To me, it did. I will spare you the details of how I managed to not get in trouble, but I arrived in a station where I knew I had a chance to join the place I had in mind. I spent my last savings in a room to stay for the night, and I left at dawn. The thing was, of course, I had no money left. So my only option there was hitch-hiking, and it worked. I met some weird people, but it took only three cars and a little bit of walking to make it there !_

_At this point you must be wondering, where exactly is « there » ? Well, I will try to make it short. My father has a sister he never talks about because their relationship has been terrible for years. They stopped talking to each other when I was around eleven, but I knew her name, and the village she lived in. I used to spend entire summers there before my grandparents passed away. See I figured, if I could ask one person for help without fearing them to tell my dad, it was her. So without knowing if she had moved out in about eight years, I arrived to the village, found her house, and knocked. And strangely enough, she let me in. I was right, she is the one person who best understood my troubles with my father. She told me I could stay at her house, and that she would not tell anything to my dad. She’s really sweet my aunt._

_Now you know everything. As for me, I can’t tell how long I will stay there, but so far I feel at home there, far lost in the countryside. To answer your questions, I think I can keep acting here, apparently my aunt knows some sort of club. It’s a gorgeous place. I sent you an approximate drawing of the house I stay in, so you can laugh at my poor skills. I didn’t laugh at your poem though, I like it. Would you send me more ? Write me more poems, I’ll write you more letters !_

_Sincerely yours,_

_Neil._

_PS : Thank you for being on my side Todd. »_

The young man smiled as he took a look at the said drawing. He laughed alone on his bed. Neil didn’t really know how to draw properly, but he could discern a rusty looking house and some trees. It was enough to let Todd imagine more of this place his friend seemed genuinely happy about. Reading about it made him incredibly happy, his heart felt so light and he didn't even feel tired from his last night writing session. Actually, he might do that again... He got up to his desk, already trying to think of a poem he could write for Neil.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i really hope that chapter wasn't too long, but i kinda get carried away when writing the letters....  
> please let me know what you thought, i'd love to know !


	4. Change

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm alive ahaha :')
> 
> i swear it took me so long to write this chapter and i absolutely hATE IT heck yeah. sorry it took so long, but i have work to do to pass my semester and it's taking so much of my time  
> anyway, this chapter is kinda boring, but the next one should be coming faster than this one aha-

─ _W-Why do you think they’re all gathering us for ?_

Todd felt anxious. It was still too early in the morning, and all of his classmates were gathered in the huge meeting room of the school.

─ _Well, since you asked, I don’t think it’s for something good_ , Charlie whispered

─ _Obviously not._ Meeks confirmed

No one added anything. Todd was shaking nervously his leg and watching side to side. He prayed internally that this had nothing to do with Neil or his so-called « disappearance ». They had been sending each other letters for a few days now, and Todd was still scared someone might find one of Neil’s letters before he got the chance to open it. He breathed heavily while remembering that his friend’s latest letter was still in his dorm room, he fell asleep before having the time to answer it the other night. What if they had searched all the rooms ? He jumped when he heard the noise of the doors opening, and every student got up like obedient soldiers. They watched as the Academy’s Director, an old and rather cold man, walked in front of them. Meeks and Todd looked at each other, stressed out. This was definitely not good.

─ _You can sit._

They all did, not reassured at all. 

─ _I will make this gathering short,_ the man began _, for the news I have for you are not pleasant ones._

Todd had his fists clenched, he really didn’t like that kind of gatherings. He took a deep breath as an attempt to calm down.

─ _At the beginning of the year, as you all know, this school welcomed a new teacher._

All the boys looked at each other, suddenly realizing what was going on. Keating and his rather « original » methods were in trouble.

─ _Unfortunately, due to recent events occurring to one of your classmates, someone else will replace him for the rest of the year._

Outraged gasps echoed in the room as the Director tried to continue.

─ _You can’t fire Mr. Keating._

Todd didn’t who exactly said this a bit too loud, but many supported this, the young men’s protests growing louder and louder.

─ _Silence !_

The loud voice of the old man made everyone fall back to silence. Todd breathed heavily, he couldn’t believe this was happening right now, even after overhearing the argument the other day. Did they really have enough legal arguments to dismiss the teacher ? Just because Neil had run away ?

─ _None of you is in position to discuss the choice of the academy. The decision is made. The administration was kind enough to bring you all here to say goodbye, now behave._

Suddenly, someone appeared behind the man. And everyone in the assembly had a shocked murmur.

─ _Boys, I came here one last time to tell goodbye. I, just as you, am in no position to discuss this. And I am still glad, it has been a great couple of months with you gentlemen._

Mr. Keating was smiling at the young men apologetically.

─ _I have faith you will all have brilliant futures._

Todd glanced at Neil’s dad, who was standing next to the director. He was staring at Keating with a mix of rage and proud satisfaction. Of course, he had to do with all this. Todd wanted to loath the man, but he actually felt guilty. Was this all his fault ? Was this all because of his so said « brilliant idea » ?

─ _Goodbye boys._

Almost like a reflex, Todd stood up. And without really realizing what he was doing, he hopped on his chair and stood straight, facing the teacher. He heard the sound of his friends doing the same thing around him, under the outraged stare of all the adults. But not Mr. Keating. He had a rather proud smile on his face, Todd could tell he was glad seeing his students standing up, quite literally, for him.

─ _Everybody get down and sit !_ the Director vociferated at all the kids

Todd took a quick look at Neil’s father. His satisfied smile had completely disappeared. Keating, on the other hand, was quietly chuckling. It warmed his heart for a moment before he heard the shouting of the director and immediately jumped off the chair along with his classmates. They sat back just to hear the man shout to them to leave. Todd followed his friends who were still upset.

─ _How could they even do that ? How could they link him to what happened to Neil anyway ?_

Charlie kept swearing while the little group of boys was walking through the park to their next classes.

─ _I know, I know, it makes no sense !_ Knox whispered so no one in the corridor would hear

It seemed like this was on everyone’s mouth. Mr. Keating was such a loved teacher, not only by the Dead Poets Society. His classes were a breath of fresh air inside the suffocating daily life of Welton students.

─ _But it does ! Think about it, if it went this far it’s because someone **talked**. _

Meeks empathized on the word like they were all some kind of secret agents.

─ _Someone talked about the Dead Poets Society, about Mr. Keating encouraging Neil_ , he added

They all looked at each other, knowing which name was going on in everyone’s head. Todd and Meeks both blurted out at the same time :

─ _Cameron._

─ _Bloody Richard Cameron_ , Pitts repeated

From the start, the young man had blamed the teacher, it seemed obvious that he had helped in all this. None of them added anything, still disappointed by their former friend’s betrayal. Todd hated to admit it, but he felt a little less guilty. The rest of the day passed, and every student remained gloomy and bitter in every single class.

At the end of the day, before the repetitive routine of the evening, Todd took a small walk in the park, trying to clear his thoughts. He saw a familiar figure standing next to one of the many old trees. He rushed to it without thinking twice, and blurted out :

─ _Professor._

The man turned back to see the shy student giving him an interrogating look.

─ _I’m just taking a walk in this park. Turns out after so many years as a student and so little time as a teacher, it might be my last._

Todd gulped and stuttered :

─ _I-I’m sorry._

─ _Come on Anderson, you’re clever enough to know this isn’t your fault. Nor is it your friend Perry’s._

Todd sighed. He needed to hear this from him to truly get rid of the guilt.

─ _Talking of the devil_ , the man had a peculiar smile, _How is Neil doing ?_

Todd froze for a moment before mumbling :

─ _W-Well I have n-no idea, I-_

He stopped, intimidated by the teacher’s stare. Was it possible that he knew what was going on with the letters ? Or that Todd helped Neil getting away ?

─ _I’m sure he’s fine_.

Todd nodded quickly. He definitely knew.

─ _He uh_ , Todd hesitated before admitting, _He is._

Since Mr. Keating seemed very thankful to hear it, he didn’t regret telling him at all. After all, maybe he felt guilty too about the young man. 

─ _Farewell Todd, I was glad to have you as my student even for such a short time. And tell him I hope he is using that acting talent of his._

The young man suddenly felt emotional, remembering all those classes that pushed him to what he liked to believe was his best. Without that, he would never have discovered how amazing poetry was, and how drawn he was to it. He wouldn’t have gotten close to Neil either, or to any of his current friends.

─ _T-Thank you Mr. Keating_ , he simply said.

The teacher simply smiled and walked away, leaving his student who couldn’t realize this was the last time they’d see each other. Somehow, the only thing he could think about was how he needed to tell Neil about all of this. He hadn’t answered to the last letter he received from his friend, now was definitely time. He rushed to his dorm room and started writing quickly :

_Dear Neil,_

_No poem this time. There are many things you need to know. First and foremost, Mr. Keating got fired, he had to leave the school the day I’m writing this. Before you start thinking anything, it isn’t your fault, he certified it to me. I guess he didn’t fit the Academy’s image, and your dad, on the other hand, had something to do with this. Cameron too. Maybe. I don’t know. This is all very confusing, as you may imagine. He’s gone now, and I don’t even know who is gonna be our next professor. I don’t want to seem judgemental, but I don’t think anyone could come close to Mr. Keating. Somehow I’m sure you’ll agree._

_The second thing you need to know is that although he is gone, we gave him a proper goodbye. Yes, I could put it that way. See we were all gathered by the Director and your dad, and when Keating made his farewell, we did ours : we all stood up on our chairs, hoping to see things from a different view I suppose, hoping to find something else than sorrow to this event. I’m not sure we did yet, but trust me it annoyed your father, so I hope you smile reading this._

_One more thing before I fold and post this letter. Neil, you told me you would let me know about that acting club you found with your aunt, please you know I’m dying to know. I pray for you to be able to pursue that dream of yours, I know you cherish it so much. Mr. Keating told me he hoped you were still an actor too you know. I think he figured out we were sending each other those letters, I don't know why he always looks like he knows more than he's telling. Anyway, what I need to know is about you. I think I’m getting used to this, writing you I mean. It’s really nice._

_Sincerely yours,_

_Todd._

He posted it before he got in bed and struggled to find sleep. Mr. Keating was gone. All his classes, all his exciting exercises, all of that was gone too. Now it would probably be some normal studies of classical poetry. Normal and boring. Todd felt a lump growing in his throat. Interesting classes, Neil, the Dead Poets Society, it seemed like everything new and exciting that life had brought him this year was already drifting away right in front of his eyes. At least, there is one thing he could still be happy about. Letters and poems. At least he still had that with Neil. He still had that.

Two days later, he was lazily sitting on his bed, opening an envelope with a smile on his face. Receiving those almost made him forget about the now strict teacher they had in Welton, and how long the days felt. He started reading Neil’s words, neglecting his arithmetics books.

« _Dear Todd,_

_I can’t believe they did that. When I read your letter, I was literally boiling. I cannot believe they made him leave. I’m still boiling writing this ! Maybe not boiling. Maybe just still warm bitterness. Anyway. I still wished I had seen you all stand up like that, I would have obviously joined you. I feel so proud in my heart to know you stood up against my bloody father. And be sure I smiled reading this Todd, you definitely know me so well. Although I’m still sorry for you, I bet that the new teacher is gonna be really boring indeed. Good luck Todd, guess you won’t be telling poetry out loud in front of the class anymore, such a shame. I know you’ll think I’m making fun of you, but I mean it. I will remember that moment all my life, I’m sad it can’t ever happen again now. I guess you’ll have to tell your poems to me !_

_You’re in luck, I have some exciting news concerning my upcoming acting career. I went to the club my aunt knew, and I did two auditions, and… They gave me a role ! I can’t believe I felt that again, the pure joy of knowing I got a part in a piece. I’m going to live yet another one of those million lives Todd ! This time, it isn’t a Shakespearian classic, but something that club wrote. You know what ? I find it even better, I’m playing a role nobody ever played before. Ah this is so exciting ! I can’t wait to rehearse and then, of course, to play. I promise I will tell you everything. I hope I have enough talent for them to accept me as part of their group._

_I wish you all the luck in the world to survive those days in Welton, my friend._

_Sincerely yours,_

_Neil »_

Once again, Todd had a fond smile on his face and he held the letter tight in his hand. Every time, it felt so good reading those and feeling as Neil was right there, even just for a little moment. This feeling was worth any risk to get caught. Still, he hoped no one would ever discover those letters. He kept them all hidden in a tiny box he put under his bed. As days passed, the little box slowly got full, so he took a larger one. His weeks were rhythmed by the numbers of letters accumulated in that box he cherished so much. Even if things were changing drastically these days, those letters were the best thing in his life. He liked the way his friend would ask him for poems, even though they weren’t that good. He felt listened too, even though without him, he went back to being quieter than ever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hm this is short and not so good but eh i try :')  
> i promise the next chapter will have more interesting things in it, and it's coming soon!  
> thanks for reading anyway! (you can always comment your thoughts on this)


	5. Rêvé pour l'hiver

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here issss the 5th chapter :)  
> the title and the poem mentioned in the beginning is a real french poem tho, it's pretty cute and i liked it so it kinda inspired me   
> anyway, slow burn is starting lads, hope you like it !

Todd was sitting inside a little wagon. His body felt heavy, but in a good way. The inside of the wagon looked so cozy, with various sized velvet and silk pillows and a comfortable cushion on the seat bench. All were of different shades of antique pink, except the cream white walls, which resulted in a dreamy palette of soft colors. Todd yawned and noticed a pleasant smell of cinnamon. This place was so nice… He was about to fall asleep but decided to take a quick look at the window. The winter landscapes were changing as the train kept going, even if he couldn’t feel it or hear it moving. Strange. Todd stared for a while at the pretty scenery. His body froze when he noticed something was off. A moving shadow slowly appeared in front of the window. Todd kept watching, unable to detached his eyes from it. The young man gasped when the huge black twisted figure of a wolf appeared, staring with empty eyes through the glass. In a matter of seconds, more and more appeared, and soon, the whole window was covered by creepy dancing shadows of all forms. Todd stumbled on the seat and got up, not even able to scream. He felt as if everything around him was spinning, and all he could see were those shadows. It was hard to breathe. He tried running out of the wagon but bumped into something. « _Todd_ ». The boy looked up to see a concerned-looking Neil, holding him by his shoulders « _You’re alright Todd, it’s me_ ». He lost himself in the caring eyes of the other boy, feeling the sheer panic dissolving progressively. Frankly overwhelmed, he threw himself on Neil who circled him with secure arms, hugging him tightly. Todd buried his face in the boy’s chest, taking deep breaths and letting his reassuring smell chasing away all the fear, all the shadows. « _It’s alright, it’s alright_ » Neil kept repeating, a hand in Todd’s hair. The latter shivered pleasantly when he felt his friend’s face in the crook of his neck. Ah, this felt nice. Time seemed to stop, leaving only this cotton-like moment in which only the two of them remained, peacefully under the warm morning light.

When Todd woke up, his back was aching and he had to stretch to realize he had fallen asleep on his desk. It has been more than a month since Todd and Neil started their letters exchange. Every two days or so, a grey envelope would come in the mail, and Todd would write his answer right away. On this Friday night, Todd had been waiting for a response and tried reading. He still had that french poetry book he got at the library, no one had asked for it so far, so he just kept re-reading his favorite ones. The one he had fallen asleep on was called « _Rêvé pour l’hiver_ » which had been approximatively translated to « _A dream for winter_ ». As Todd started reading it again, memory of his dream came back in his mind and his heart started beating faster.

_In the winter, we shall travel in a little pink wagon  
With blue cushions.  
We shall be comfortable. A nest of kisses lies there  
In each soft corner._

_You will close your eyes, so as not to see, through the window,  
Those evening shadows,  
Those snarling monsters, a crowd  
Of black devils and black wolves._

Todd smiled softly. His subconscious was definitely inspired by the long-dead French poet’s words. He closed his eyes as a hope to relive this comforting dream. He sighed and kept reading lazily.

_Then you'll feel your cheek scratched...  
A little kiss, like a crazy spider,  
Will run around your neck...  
And you'll say to me : "Find it" bending your head_

Todd closed the book, his cheeks suddenly burning red. Of course, the end had to be about _that_. He bit his lip as he often did. Hopefully, his dream hadn’t gone so far in getting inspiration from the poem. Of course, it hadn’t. But what if it had ? What if he hadn’t woken up so soon ? He put his hands on his face and groaned. Even if it hadn’t, wasn’t his dream already… Strange ? What would Neil said if he knew Todd just had this dream ? Would he be embarassed ? After all, his friend had hugged him before. This wasn’t a weird thing to dream about, was it ?

He got up, determined to think about something else than this dream, even though he secretly hoped he would never forget about it. For now, he had to study, he had to focus. He replaced the poetry book by biology ones. He managed to work on his classes for about an hour when he got distracted by a messy draft on which he had started a poem for Neil. He looked at the paper pensively, wondering when he could send this one to his friend. « _Today’s mail !_ » he said out loud as he realized he had forgotten about it. He rushed down the stairs directly to see that the now-familiar grey envelope was waiting for him. He would never stop to get excited about receiving those, he was always so eager to hear from Neil. He quickly tore the envelope and recognize the quite crabbed handwriting.

« _Dear Todd,_

_I’m gonna be an actor ! There is no other way I’ll live, and the more time I spend on stage, the better I realize it. Those three representations have been incredible, who would have thought so many people loved theater in such a little village ? The theater group is so heartwarming and I feel like they’re growing used to having me getting some roles. I feel like I belong you know ? I finally feel like I’m doing the thing I was meant to do, and I finally can do it without feeling guilty. I feel so many things at once. Is this what it is to live a dream ? I’ve had so many dreams about this, but none came even close to what’s happening these days. For the first time in my life, I feel as free as I could be._

_I wish you were in the theater as I perform, even as I rehearse. I thought I could at least show you a moment of it, so I’m giving you this picture my aunt took the night of the latest representation._

_Sincerely yours,_

_Neil. »_

The said picture was indeed of his friend, standing with three other people Todd couldn’t recognize, but figured it was members of the theater group. Neil’s smile was so wide his eyes were shut, and even through a photograph Todd could feel the warmth of that one smile he knew so well. Neil was literally shining in that picture. Todd chuckled, seeing him on stage reminded him of that night, a month ago. He realized that it had been so long since he hadn’t _seen_ Neil’s face, and still, he remembered every little thing about it. Todd wasn’t as good as his friend for talking his way with people, but he did observe them very well. From the moment he met Neil, he started noticing a whole lot of details about his face, about his expressions too. He could remember how his eyes squinted when he had that cheeky smile on. Or how he would sometimes mouth the words of the lines he rehearsed, and as the scene went on he would end up saying it out loud, too caught on in the play. He wouldn’t realize until Todd would look at him amused. But then he would continue his game even louder until Todd laughed. Sometimes, when he was bothered, he would look away quickly to try and not show his sorrow or his doubt. Sometimes, he would get so dramatically excited about things and would insist so much on Todd joining him that the young man couldn’t resist. Sometimes, he would start humming a song without realizing it, he always did that when he was reading something he liked, his eyes and mind completely focused on it. His eyes, oh his eyes would shine in so many different ways Todd could describe them all. He decided he would keep this photograph in the poetry book he still hadn’t returned to the library. 

The young man laid his head in his arms, as he felt a comfortable numb feeling softly surrounding him. He tried remembering his dream just for a little while. And it worked. He knew he wouldn’t be able to focus on algebra or biology again, so he decided he would instead try to write a poem to send to Neil. He was used to working on those poems for a few days, and send them when he felt like it. This one draft was almost done by now, and he hoped it was good enough.

**_To The Immediate Life_**

_This isn’t a story of those_

_Who like to believe_

_The busy streets they’re walking will remember their names._

_Neither is it of those_

_Who like to believe_

_In the worth of all their frames._

_This is a story of your courage_

_To not make your life someone else’s idea,_

_To live immediately._

Before he could tear it up and throw it away in shame, he wrote it down properly on a cream white piece of paper before he folded it and immediately put it in the envelope. If he kept rereading his poems too much, he always ended up throwing them away. Now, he just needed to write an answer to Neil’s last letter. He took his pen and wrote directly :

« _Dear Neil,_

_How things have changed since you first told me « I’m gonna be an actor ». It feels so strange yet so right to know you’ve already come this far. Thank you for the picture, the people surrounding you do look very nice. I’d be so glad to see one of your representations you know, I really would. It’s a shame I only got to see one, but I have hope it won’t be the last._

_Did your aunt take the pictures ? I would love to see more of them, also I hope she is doing well. I figured it was her writing my address on the envelope, don’t get me wrong but her handwriting is really pretty, and yours is… Chaotic ?_

_I sent you a poem I’ve been working on, I don’t have much to say about it, but I think writing to you does inspire my poetry. I don’t have any exciting news to give you, Welton is as boring as it gets these days. I like studying, but I still can’t wait to get out of this place. Those buildings are so beautiful but they feel so empty once you’re inside them. Well anyway, I still hope you will like that poem._

_Sincerely yours,_

_Todd. »_

He carefully posted it before going back to his biology chapter. He spent the next three days trying to ignore the fact that their new teacher made them buy a new poetry book so they would actually study it. Sometimes, it was interesting, but after having Mr. Keating’s approach on poetry and on life in general, studying every single verse’s meaning seemed quite meaningless.

On that day, he was particularly pissed off, because he couldn’t agree on this bloody teacher’s interpretation of some Yeats poem. On top of that, he had opened his borrowed book to distract himself from this nonsense and Neil’s photograph had slipped off on the ground. Before anyone could noticed, he quickly picked it up and decided he would rather carry it directly on him. He didn’t take the time to think twice about it and put it in his vest’s pocket. He got back to the dorm, exhausted. Hopefully, he took the time to pick up the mail. He was comfortably laying down on his bed as he discovered Neil’s latest letter. Only this time, the usual smile he had faded and he felt a lump in his throat as he read :

« _Dear Todd,_

_I loved the last poem you sent me. I mean, I keep them all, of course, but this one feels special to me, I’m not sure why. I wish I could hear you tell it out loud for me. I think I miss you Todd. I miss staying up late in the night and dragging you with me to sneak out in the dark to feel back the freedom. I miss rehearsing my parts by the dock with you. Do you remember that ? I do. I remember spending time with you like it was such an obvious to do. I’m ashamed to say I took your company for granted._

_Don’t get me wrong, I love this new life of mine, and I’m finally as free as I can be, but it gets a bit lonely sometimes. Writing you every day, my dear friend, gives me the illusion that I’m still there, even though I am kilometers away. Again, don’t believe I miss Welton and its pressure and hypocrisy, God knows I don’t. Sometimes I just picture myself walking by your side in the park again, maybe take a swim in the lake if we’re feeling brave. That, I do miss. It’s a strange feeling, missing you. I feel so strange._

_Maybe because winter is ending ? I’m sorry this letter will be short. But for now, I don’t have the will to write about acting, about the countryside and about dreams, though I still want to write to you. I wish I’d talk to you all night in our tiny dorm room. My room is so much bigger now. I wish you could see. How I wish you were here, and how I wish winter was too. I don’t know why, but for once spring brings such an odd nostalgia._

_Sincerely yours,_

_Neil._

_P.S : I’m sorry, I wrote this at what appears to be two in the morning and I’m posting it before I can realize my words are foolish and throw this away. »_

He stared blankly at the paper, only able to catch a few words again. « _How I wish you were here_ ». He closed and squinted his eyes, taking a deep shaky breath. Missing his friend was something Todd tried to handle as weeks passed, but knowing he missed him just as much was somehow different. It was too much. He tried to walk to his desk quite mechanically, grabbing a piece of paper, convincing himself he could write an answer right away, he had to. He wished he could make each and every letter arrive faster to Neil. He wished Neil was right there. His hand shook a little as he tried to write.

« _Dear Neil,_

_I miss you too._ »

He started sobbing before he could write anything else than those three aching words. He watched as tears rolled down his cheeks and fell on his undone letter. He couldn’t write anything without wanting to pour his heart right on the paper. Of course he missed Neil too, he missed him way too much. Maybe if he missed him less it would be easier to understand and to express, but it hurt in a way Todd didn’t know existed. Every single « _Dear Neil_ » hurt when he had to write it. Even worst, every time he read « _If only you could see_ » or something of the kind, his heart would sink down in his ribcage and it would be so tough to think about anything else. He didn’t feel able to contain his sorrow and kept crying miserably on his chair. God damn, why did he miss everything about Neil knowing knew he had little to no chance getting that everything back ? He sniffed and tried to write something else than those three words, but nothing came, as if nothing else was there in that moment. He rested his face between his arms as his shoulders kept shaking with all the sobbing. He eventually lifted his head and just leaned it on the desk, his breath still shaky. Perhaps if he wasn’t able to add another damn word to that letter, he could try poetry.

_What could be said of this longing ?_

_Boundless nights of troubled sleep,_

_This is something I helped happening,_

_And still I weep._

_I miss you too._

_Too much to know,_

_Too much to find a proper way to tell you._

_I can only be a ramshackle witness to this sorrow._

_The last thing I held of you was your hand,_

_Carefully into mine until it had to end._

_Will this ever feel right ?_

_I wish I didn’t have to rhyme every time I write._

_Dear,_

_I too wish you were here._

He sighed heavily, contemplating his late-night writing. Was it too personnal ? Should he really send that ? He decided he couldn’t leave Neil waiting longer than usual for an answer, especially after his friend sent him an entire letter telling he missed him. His eyes were red and hurt a lot, he felt dizzy and had no idea what hour it was. Was this poetry a little too much ? He had no idea how Neil would react. His first fear was to make him feel uncomfortable, he didn’t really know why but he felt embarrassed. He continued his overthinking until he got too tired and spontaneously put the paper in an envelope, wrote the address, and let it on his desk. He collapsed on his bed, planning on posting that letter the next morning. He yawned and stretched painfully, feeling drained of all emotions. He buried his face in the pillow, praying to get rid of any single thought. He fell asleep after quite some time, and strangely enough, he dreamed of a cozy wagon in winter again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so that was that, hope you liked it, i tried to make it soft !  
> thanks for reading, you can comment to let me know what you thought of this !


	6. Dearest

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> .... aha i'm alive lol
> 
> oof sorry to every person i've told i'd update this quickly and I clearly didn't...... ugh, i've been very busy with my studies and my job so it was hard to find some time to write. but here we are !! let's keep the slow burn going !!

From the moment he woke up, Todd had felt anxious, for he knew he was now obligated to have a talk with his friends. Indeed, today was the day he would tell everyone that he knew Neil was safe and sound, and had not technically disappeared from the face of the earth. Well, hopefully not _everyone_. He had agreed with the latter in previous letters that at least Knox, Steven, and Charlie deserved to know. And they did, maybe more than him, Todd thought. He didn’t really know why Neil had decided to write to him, why him out of everyone else. But that wasn’t the question. Right now, the question was how exactly could he get them to listen, and how the hell was he gonna phrase this. Ironically, he wished Neil was there to help him out with this. He tried to brace himself as the last classes of the day came to an end.

─ _Uh, w-wait Knox_ , he began before everyone would disappear in their rooms, _Charlie, everyone, please._

His friends turned around, and the wave of anxiety almost submerged him. But thankfully, Charlie was nice enough to ask :

─ _What’s up with you Todd ?_

─ _There is… something I, uh, need to tell you._

They stopped in the corridor and chuckled :

─ _What is it then, a girl ?_

Todd rolled his eyes up. Was this all they ever thought about ?

─ _No_ , he scoffed, _it’s something really serious._

They stared at him, suddenly quite curious, and the moment he explained they had to pay attention not to be heard, they were in. They headed carefully into the little room in which all their luggage waited for each school year to end, the one that was used. With all his friends’ eyes on him, Todd started losing the little confidence and bravery he had.

─ _You’ll have to take me seriously but, uh, I don’t really know how to phrase this so it sounds good, I-_

─ _Just say it then_ , Knox cut him

Todd took a little breath before he blurted out :

─ _Neil isn’t missing. Well, you knew that I guess. But I-I know where he is now._

The five seconds of silence was enough to make things really uncomfortable.

─ _Oh._ Meeks’ jaw dropped

─ _What now ?_ Charlie frowned

─ _I, uh, I know whe-_

_─ No, I heard you, but…_ he paused and Knox suddenly stood up

─ _But how ?_

Todd gulped, intimidated by the young man in front of him.

─ _Well because he told me, you know, after he left._

No one said anything, Todd wasn’t sure if they believed him or not at this point, so he kept going :

_─ He sent me a letter and-_

─ _A letter ? Sure, okay, okay._ Knox was trying to gather his thought _, But why wouldn’t you tell us then ?_

The young man didn’t have the time to think of answer, his friend kept going, slowly raising his voice :

_─ Does that mean that… All these weeks you- you just knew ? And- just said nothing ? Are you serious ? You just kept it and, and just waited ?_

Todd couldn’t answer anything because indeed, he did keep it for himself, and he did wait. Too long, maybe. Maybe it wasn’t fair.

─ _Knox let’s just…_ Meeks began, _Let’s just calm down right ?_

Todd didn’t say anything. No one did for a little while. Todd supposed he could have prepared them a little bit better.

─ _How is he ?_ Charlie broke the silence

─ _He’s doing fine, he really is._ Todd answered right away

Charlie gave him a genuine smile.

─ _Maybe it makes sense, you know_ , Meeks added, _That he would only let one of us know._

Knox was still frowning, arms crossed on his chest.

─ _Think about it. He did run away, and letting everyone know where would make it way easier for his father to find him ?_

_─ Yeah, just imagine if Cameron had known this_ , Charlie laughed

Everyone’s mood seemed to lighten up a little and they chuckled along with their friend.

─ _But why you though ?_ Knox insisted

Todd asked himself the same question a couple of times. Why him out of all his closest friends, right ? He had to find something to answer, he couldn’t just shrug and get away with it.

─ _Well I, I helped him to get away. You know, that night, I didn’t actually lose sight of him, I helped him._

Charlie had a little disbelieving laugh :

─ _You, Anderson, helped Neil get away from his parents ?_

Todd nodded rapidly :

─ _I told him to take a bus. A-and he just did. And then he let me know where he was by sending me the le-letters._

Charlie started laughing louder, but not in a mocking way, which actually helped Todd to relax.

─ _Damn, who would have thought. Incredible. What a mastermind, actually. I don’t think anyone would seriously suspect you, out of all people, of doing that._

Todd had a timid smile, maybe that was why Neil chose to write to him after all.

─ _Come on now, what happened next ?_ Charlie asked and everyone stared impatiently

Todd proceeded to describe the events as he remembered it, thus realizing it began to feel like some time ago already. He kept talking under the enthousiastic eyes of his friends, feeling more than relieved that they could all understand how delicate Neil’s situation was. Still, they deserved to know and reach him. So they decided they would get a piece of paper, one large enough so they could all write something to him. Todd watched each of his friends sat down to write a note with a smile. He really hoped reading them would make Neil happy. He took it to his bedroom, chose not to read it, and placed it in an envelope alongside a note on which he just wrote « _I told them and I think it went alright._ ».

This had made Todd realized that, if the others were satisfied with the exchange they had with their friend, he was not. He suddenly noticed that his constant longing from Neil’s letters maybe wasn’t that obvious to everyone. Maybe wasn’t that « normal ». Not that he really wanted to think about it, but he had that tendency to silently overthink everything that came out of his mouth or went on in his brain. He couldn’t tell why friendship felt so special with Neil, and not with others. Of course, he liked his other friends, Meeks was clever and Charlie was funny, he liked Knox too even if his obsession with girls became annoying from time to time. But it wasn’t like Neil, somehow. Maybe because they were roommates ? But roommates or not, they hadn’t known each other for that long. A few months, now. Todd never really had a best friend, maybe that was why he felt a little confused. Still, they weren’t _best friends_. At least Todd had trouble seeing it like that, for some reason. He spent a few nights tossing and turning in the dark, not finding the right answer to every question he had about this.

And then, one night after rereading some of the letters, a new thought came. It sparked in his mind as if he just lit a match that had been standing there for a while. _Oh. Could it be… love ?_ He had to cover his burning cheeks in the darkness of his dorm room before he could gather his thoughts again. Was it even possible though ? No, he didn’t think so. It couldn’t be, it simply couldn’t, for very simple reasons indeed. First of all, Todd was sure you wouldn’t fall in love with someone just like that, this wasn’t it. And second, of course, Neil was actually a boy. So it was absolutely out of the question. Oh how Todd wished that was enough to make it out of the question. But from that one spark, he actually started questioning it all the goddamn time. It was such an embarrassing thing, because he so obviously knew it wasn’t love, yet the word wouldn’t leave his head now, making his heartbeat go crazy everytime it would cross his mind. He had to do something, he had to prove to himself this was a just one stupid intrusive idea. And somehow he felt the need to prove it to Neil as well. But he couldn’t just write « _Hey my good friend, I’m not in love with you !_ ». He wasn’t that stupid, but he was really scared that, now that he had thought about it, Neil would think about it too. He didn’t want him to think that. He had a plan, actually. He could ask some of Charlie’s friends on a date. That would settle the problem right ? Going out with girls was proof. Well, it should be enough of a proof. Of his non-romantic feelings for his friend.

And so in a new letter, he subtly wrote _« I need to tell you something crazy, I have a date with a girl !_ ». He tried to ignore how idiot he felt writing this. The letter had other parts, but this one felt so odd. His letters weren’t usually planned. And this was, by definition, a plan. He hesitated, somehow. Did he really want Neil to know by all means that he would see a girl ? Which was still very theoretical by the way. Well, why wouldn’t he, if they had such a close friendship ? He ended up sending it, upset that he couldn’t be more convinced by what he was doing. But now, he had to actually go on a date. He surprised himself with a long tired sigh. He’d take care of that later.

Except he didn’t really. He didn’t at all. He would rather believe it was because he kept forgetting, or because he was to busy rather than because he didn’t want to. It was too much of a bother, and he had enough things bothering him right now. For example, the fact that Neil hadn’t answered in four days, when usually it took him two days. He started to get anxious over what he had written, without knowing why. Maybe because in the end, he was lying ? He would never have a date with a girl. He would never actually want that. To be honest he had trouble figuring out what he wanted. Or perhaps more accurately, admitting it. He didn’t exactly know why he wanted to tell Neil it wasn’t true, but now that he did, he felt terrible. Why did he suddenly have to be torn by such conflicting emotions ? After six days without an answer from Neil, he began to think his letter had been lost. Or worst, _found_. Hopefully, that anxiety stopped at the end of the day, when he checked for mail with a little bit of hope, and got rewarded with an envelope. He let the rush of relief go through his whole body while he ran upstairs to read it.

« _Dear Todd,_

_Forgive me for taking longer than usual to answer, I hope this finds you well. It took me this long because you see, I spent four days out with the acting club because the play i have a role in was playing in another town ! Oh it was incredible, to travel just so people could see us act. And I have to say, it was a success, a little one, but still. I’m glad we are getting a little recognition, you know ? My aunt was with us, she took some pictures so I sent you one again. She’s saying Hello, by the way, she’s been gently amused at how much I’m writing, I don’t think she expected her nephew to be a writer. Nor an actor. But I think I’m starting to be one now. An actor I mean. Don’t you think ?_

_What about you now ? Did you get the results of the literature exam ? I hope the teachers appreciated your talent as much as I do. I am convinced the finals for this year will go well for you Todd. I can’t believe it’s almost June already. I feel so disconnected from Welton now, I don’t even remember when the year ends for you all. Soon, I hope. I like the idea of you out of this hell hole, so I can see you again !_

_Sincerely yours,_

_Neil_

_P.S. : Oh, by the way, how did that date go ? »_

Oh there it was, the special joy of reading Neil’s words, imagining his voice as the words went. He took out the photograph with a smile. Neil was wearing a railway worker suit, probably linked to his role in the play, which made Todd chuckled. He looked handsome, though, and happy. He looked so happy. He was holding the poster of the play like a number one prize, and Todd just felt genuinely proud of his friend. He noticed something at the back of the photograph while holding and curiously turned it over. A little pressed flower was carefully taped at the back, with a handwritten note « _A local flower, they call it « Dearest ». Isn’t sweet ?_ ». The young man smiled at the gentle attention. It was indeed a flower like he had never seen before, with rather small round dark orange petals. Dearest. It was actually sweet. Somehow, he felt that way about Neil. All of his friends were dear to his heart. But Neil felt like the dearest of them all. He let his head rest against the wall and sighed, sat on his bed with nothing to think about but this. Or, well, more precisely, about him. But it wasn’t annoying, actually, he liked to think about him and he liked to write him and receive his pictures. He liked Neil. He liked the guy who actually put effort into helping him out of loneliness in this school, the one thanks to whom he started to write poetry. He liked the guy who kept writing him letters after running away from the place they met. As if it felt that important for him too.

Except sometimes, he just felt weird about it. And it’s not like he had a lot of people to talk about such intimate things. Well, except Neil. So he just kept spending countless nights thinking about it, torn apart the sweet and pretty warm feeling of just thinking about him or reading his letters, and the anxious dread of the two questions looping in his mind : How much did he liked him ? And how much was _normal_ ? He decided maybe writing back to his friend would help not think about this for this one night.

« _Dearest,_

_It’s so good to see you have more and more acting opportunities ! If you ever need proof that your running away is worth it, just look at how far you’ve come already. I’m so proud of you. Also, thanks for the picture once again, almost feels like I’m right here. I wonder what play you’ll be in when I see you acting again, but I can’t wait !_

_As for exams, we will have results soon, but honestly, I’m not even feeling stressed about it. Can you believe it ? Probably not. And you know what, me neither. My mind has just been wandering elsewhere these days I guess. And well, I’ve never felt quite good about grades you know. I just hope I don’t disappoint my parents, yet I know I will never get as brilliant as my brother. Ah, anyway. I do look forward to the end of the year though. You know, maybe I could come and see you during our summer break ? What do you think ?_

_Let me know if it’s possible,_

_Sincerely yours,_

_Todd_

_P._ _S : Oh, also, for the date, it didn’t happen. Because I didn’t really go. Sorry if it disappoints you but I just didnt ? Doesn’t really matter._ »

He wrote the letter so quickly and as always, without really planning anything before. But his face turned to red when he realized that he had unconsciously changed his usual « _Dear Neil_ » to « _Dearest_ ». Oh dear god how stupider could he get ? He took a deep breath, trying to think of a way to change it without having to write the whole thing again. He grunted. Well. Maybe he could just leave it like that and it will go unnoticed. Or Neil would probably think it’s some kind of joke. He was too tired to change it now. And he was like he finally asked Neil if he could visit him during summer because he actually really want to. His heart filled with a special sort of excitement when he thought of seeing his face again, on the deck of a train station, or at his aunt’s house, or anywhere, actually. Just to see him again.

He went to sleep after preparing the letter for posting. When he got the answer the day after, he quite literally jumped on his bed, reading again. His grin was so wide he probably probably stupid, but he just couldn’t help it. Neil had answered « _I was actually wanting to ask you to come to my aunt’s house once your year is over ! You’re more than welcome to stay the whole summer Todd._ » He felt it there again, like a warmth growing in his chest coming along with childish excitement. He opened wide eyes when he realized something odd. Neil had started to begin his letters with « _Dearest_ » as well. He felt his cheeks burning a little, and fell back on his bed with quite a dramatic sigh. Maybe he liked Neil Perry a lot more than he could admit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks so much for reading !  
> also, thanks to everyone who've commented this fic so far, just know that those comments are truly motivates me to keep writing this, yall are angels.  
> so feel free to give your opinion on this fic/chapter ! (was it worth the wait aha ? :') )
> 
> hope i'll manage to write chapter 7 quicker-


	7. Head Over Heels

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> .... h i  
> I'm back with that fic :') I'm so sorry I haven't been updating it for months, but it's still important for me, I really want to finish it. To give a little context, I work at a hospital as a nurse student and well I guess you can understand how this isn't giving much free time, giving the current situation of the world.  
> Anyway, enough talking about me lmao. This chapter marks the end of the "letters exchange" part, and now it's time for "gay holidays in countryside" part !!!  
> hope you like this chapter and that you aren't too bored with my inconsistency :/

Todd’s brain was turning into a mess of contradictory thoughts since he finally came to realize the nature of his feelings. He couldn’t even stay in denial anymore, he was forced to deal with what he felt. To be fair he wasn’t dealing with it at all. But god did he keep thinking about it. How could he not obsess over it like a goddam schoolgirl ? This was the first time he felt such strong things towards one specific person, nevermind the fact that it took him so long to realize it. To realize it was in fact, love. Genuine, strong, desperate love. Desperate, because what could he even do about it except think about how doomed he was ? He fell in love with his Welton roommate, his best friend, a _boy_. And at this point, it was safe to say that he fell hard. He spent his days longing for his letters, or even better, his pictures. He could only think about the day he’d finally see him again, happy, away from this bloody school that just shaped us into depressed anxious, but respectable, adults. He wanted to see it again, the way his eyes would shine and squint when he laughed, or how he ran and jumped all around when he was excited. He needed this, he needed his presence and spirit there, he just did. But he was doomed because he could never admit how much he needed to be with him, even if he was an awkward mess because somehow Neil always made it comfortable. He would have to keep it all for himself. How much he loved him and how much it ached. It made him want to cry sometimes. Why did he have to fall in love with a boy ? It shouldn’t come as a surprise, he understood now why he never really fancied girls that much. It suddenly made a lot more sense. But it was torturing him to be conflicted between his love and the fear of it, not to forget the fear of it never being mutual. Neil would never feel the same way, he wasn’t as foolish and as weird as Todd.

Was it weird ? Of course, it was, Todd had been told how the world worked and this was definitely not it. But it was almost like, at this point, it didn’t matter that much. It’s not like he was planning on telling him. Oh god, no that would be the worst. He didn’t want to make him angry, although he felt bad for lying. Was hiding part of the truth truly lying ? That would have made a great philosophy homework, but Todd preferred his teacher’s complicated subjects on art subjectivity or whatever they were studying these days.

He didn’t really focus on schoolwork. The only thing he could focus on was what writing to Neil made him feel. To hell with the weirdness of it, he liked to feel it in his heart and to smile like a fool whenever he read Neil’s letters. Todd had realized two things. First, he fell in love with Neil Perry. Second, he fell head over heels. He wasn’t just having a silly little crush. No, he was definitely head over heels. Todd did not know much about love. To be fair, he only knew what the poets said about it. He felt like a poet in love. Which felt both incredible and terribly hopeless.

─ _Are you alright Todd ?_ Knox asked

─ _Hm, sure._

─ _You better try to concentrate, next week’s gonna be tough_ , Meeks thought wise to repeat with a nervous laugh

─ _Consider yourself lucky, at least you can sleep well without your roommate snoring !_ Knox added

His roommate hit him with a book while Todd had a little laugh, not actually that amused. Sometimes sleeping alone still felt off.

─ _You’re right, I think I’ll be alright for the exam week_ , Todd smiled

─ _Of course, you will ! So far you have the best results_ , Knox stated with a tint of jealousy

─ _I just want this to be, uh, over, you know ? So I can just have the summer break._

_─ Don’t we all ?_

─ _Any plans for summer, Anderson ?_ Charlie asked with a curious smile

─ _N-not really_ , he muttered looking back down on his algebra exercise book

Actually, he had never been so impatient for summer break, not even when he was a little kid. Neil and he had exchanged a few letters to finally come to an arrangement. Todd would come to his aunt’s house as soon as exams would end, pretending to go to some literature summer club in town. His parents wouldn’t mind as long as they wouldn’t notice he was going somewhere in the countryside to reunite with the boy he managed to fell for during his first year out of the family home.

« _Dearest,_

_Here I am, putting all train and bus plannings for you to be able to take the right one as I told you last time. I circled them on the plannings to help you. I also gave you a map of the village, you might need it to find the way. I trust you, even though the house is in the middle of nowhere, you will eventually find it. Would you be so kind as to bring me some books ? The local library is fun to visit, but it’s not really what I enjoy. I also trust you for knowing which ones to bring. I truly am more impatient than I ever was, and you know I’m not the patient type._

_I wish you good luck for the days to come, please let me know how each and every one of those bloody exams goes. But knowing you and your impressive intellect, I’m pretty sure you will do more than okay. Except on Latin, maybe. Because dear if I remember well your Latin is terrible. Not that mine is better, but I guess I won’t be taking any exams any time soon. I might have an important audition in a few months though ! I’ll tell you all about it when you’re here. God, you should see me, I’m just like an impatient kid waiting for holidays even though I dropped out of school. I won’t be able to wait that whole week calmly, but you know that, right ? Only a week ! After all that time and all those letters ! I never thought I’d buy that many envelopes in my life, I swear._

_If you get the right train and the right bus after the last exam Friday morning, and if you don’t get lost, you should arrive on Friday around seven in the evening. So see you there ! Until then, you better let me know how it all goes._

_Sincerely yours,_

_Neil._

  1. _S. : I was scared it would keep you from visiting me, so I gave you something, it’s enough for both tickets if my calculus level is still decent. »_



Todd frowned after reading Neil’s latest letter. He carefully took at the bus and train papers, as well as a rusty looking map. He gasped when he found cash in there as well. Oh, he _didn’t_. Todd knew it was kind attention from his friend, but he had enough to pay for those tickets, he barely ever bought anything. And he knew that Neil, on the other hand, didn’t have that much to spare these days. His dad had definitely cut him short, and even though his aunt was kind enough to house him without asking anything back, he had to be careful with money. Todd sighed. At least he must have really wanted him to come. He would pay the tickets with his own savings and give him back the cash.

He probably should study his classes, but when he got to his desk that night, it was to study the map and train hours. Neil had circled and noted down stuff on it, making it easier to understand which train line to take. The map, on the other hand, was a little more complicated but he managed to understand where the house seemed to be. Neil didn’t lie, the village seemed so far away from everything. Good. Perfect. Todd needed that so much. To get out, just far enough, away from anything else. Just with Neil. The young man sat on his bed and sighed. Yes that was exactly what he needed.

« _Dearest,_

_I studied carefully all you gave me, and I think I’m going to make it there. Thanks for trusting me. I’ll find you, even in the middle of nowhere ! And I will think about what book I could bring with me, you can count on me. I’m like an impatient kid too you know, even if I have to focus on exams in order to have decent results. I think I just want to be good enough to not be kicked out. My ambitions aren’t going higher than this for now. But I don’t mind. I have time to read, and to write. Sometimes I think maybe I should study a bit more. But I think you’re right, I’ll be okay._

_The first exam tomorrow is Litterature, then I think we have Algebra and Physics. Latin will probably be a disaster indeed, but who cares ? I’ll be there with you in the evening ! You can’t even imagine how happy I am to write that. I promise to let you know how the week goes for me, promise me to take care !_

_Sincerely yours,_

_Todd. »_

He quickly sealed his envelope and went back to bed. Tomorrow was literature. Litterature was okay, since Todd liked it he didn’t have to study that hard to be confident with it. He fell asleep thinking about how bad he wanted to be on that train already.

_________________________________________

_─ Come on ! Come on ! Hope you’re feeling brave !_

Knox’s cheerful greeting echoed in the staircase as the boys rushed down the stairs in uniforms, laughing before the inevitable moment they've all prepared for this year.

─ _I don’t think bravery will be enough for me_ , Charlie complained

─ _Oh it’s literature_ , Knox tried to reassure everybody, _What could go wrong ?_

─ _Everything, Overstreet. Quite literally everything._

Todd laughed along with him, as he started to feel less and less confident. It seemed as if everything he’d learn and read was being erased by fear of failure. Classic.

Unlike usual tests, the class was actually split into different rooms of the school.

─ _Anderson, over there._

He obeyed quietly to the guy watching over them and sat, trying not to look directly at the exam subject laying on his desk. His left leg started shaking. He tried to look around but except Meeks in the back, his friends were in other rooms.

─ _The exam starts at eight o'clock. It ends at ten. Good luck._

On those wise words, everyone quickly started looking at the subjects and the exam anxiety evaporated as soon as Todd started writing on his paper. Sooner than expected, he let down his pen and took a deep breath. He was done. Ten minutes in advance, but nothing unusual about that. He waited while staring at the trees he could see from the window. The summer-like weather was starting to get back at Welton. Warm sunlight, soft wind, and bright days ahead. It made him think of Neil. Neil and his affectionate smile. His way of caring so much about Todd's miserable attempts at poetry or socializing. The professor's harsh voice took him violently out of his daydream :

─ _Time is up, I want to see everybody’s pen down on their desk._

As soon as they all rushed out in the corridors, everyone started to share their performances with the subject during the break, resulting in a total mess in the refectory. For once, they were allowed to be a little louder and excited. Everyone was just scared of failing.

─ _What I fail to understand is why would they make us take algebra right after litterature ?_ Charlie complained while vigorously eating the mashed potatoes they had for lunch

─ _Right ?_ Meeks approved, _I make so much effort to think in a literary and poetic and whatever-will-please-our-teachers way and for what ? An algebra exam on the same day._

Todd had a little laugh with the others. They weren’t wrong, their exams’ order was never really logical. Todd didn’t care, he just wanted it all to be over. And also to have decent enough grades, failing this year was not even an option. Hopefully, algebra went okay. Todd liked logical things as much as he liked the subtilities of poetry. Talking of which, Neil and him had started sending each other some verses sometimes, even some theater lines with the usual stuff they wrote each other. They started that little game about two weeks ago, writing those at the beginning or at the end of some of their letters. It both reminded them of the nights they spent in that cave, sharing poems and songs with their friends.

On this evening while writing his letter, Todd hesitated. How could he share verses that reflected his emotions without betraying himself ? Without confessing like an idiot ? Maybe it wouldn’t hurt to try. So that he could exteriorize it without making it too obvious. Todd's doubt only grew bigger. Maybe he had already made it too obvious ? No, if he had, Neil would have just stopped writing to him for good. Maybe he would regret it, but he felt the childish need to add just a little hint, just a little something. He’d done it before, sometimes without being aware of it, but it wasn’t enough…

« _What shall I do with this absurdity-_

 _O heart, O troubled heart-_ »

Those verses, taken out of context, were exactly how Todd felt. He actually had no idea how to deal with his feelings. He never really knew how to do that, but this time it was different. He was too conflicted between the fear and shame of being rejected, or worst, and the joy this brought him, the way it made him feel warm and safe just to think about him. This was all way too confusing for Todd’s poor emotional skills. All he could do was write ambiguous poetry quotes and hope he would understand what it truly meant. Or that he wouldn’t, that he would never realized how Todd was longing for his presence every day since he left. That he would never know the influence every smile, every tease and every glance had on his poor heart. Todd couldn’t believe he turned into a beyond-repair romantic fool in a matter of a few months. Just enough time for Neil Perry to enter the scene. All punning aside, the young man could only be grateful for this. Even though it tortured his mind and made his heart race up at the very thought of it. He tried to clear his mind before sealing the letter in an envelope and going to sleep before the next merciless exams of the week.

The latin exam on Wednesday wasn’t as bad as Todd expected. It was just boring and honestly felt like an endless loop of complex questions. Almost like a reward for his work, he was greeted by Neil’s letter in the evening.

« _The south wind brought it longing, and the east wind despair,_

_The west wind made it pitiful, and the north wind afraid._

_It feared to give its love a hurt with all the tempest there_ »

Todd’s heart jumped into his ribcage as he read that. He knew those lines, he knew they came from a WB Yeats poem. But knowing Neil had chosen those specific lines, had written them in his letter was so much different than to read it off Five Century Of Verses on a boring afternoon. He could hear the bumping inside his chest while reading the lines a second time. This was killing him. But he knew Neil was just playing along, writing some Yeats verses that were vaguely about love to stay in the theme of Todd’s last letter, to keep up the game. It had nothing to do with him. It was just objectively beautiful poetry he wanted to share, the exact same way they used to do at the Dead Poets Society reunions. Nothing more. Todd better not start imagining « things ». He didn’t truly know how a broken heart felt and he was not willing to experiment on that. He kept reading the letter silently.

« _Dearest,_

_This is probably the last letter you’ll recieve from me before I see you for good. Funny enough, it’s my last envelope. I don’t have much to tell you because the excitement is taking over anything else I could think of._

_My aunt even prepared some cakes for you. But I know you and I have to warn you, don’t bother bringing anything even if you’re dying to be a polite guest alright ? You coming there is more than enough for me, believe me._

_See you in three days Todd._

_Sincerely yours,_

_Neil._

_P.S. : I managed to remember Yeats poems for you »_

Todd held his blushing face into his hands. Neil made it really hard not to take this as a love letter. But it wasn’t. It wasn’t. It probably wasn’t. It just wasn’t.

─ _Good night Todd !_

He jumped from his chair but couldn’t even see who said that before he closed his door and stopped his nonsense thinking. He just needed to write an answer that Neil would receive before he got there.

_« « Je ne parlerai pas, je ne penserai rien,_

_Mais l’amour me montera dans l’âme. »_

_Dearest,_

_By the time you receive this letter, I might already be on my way. I won’t write much either, I’ll have so much to tell you on Friday night ! Let’s just hope I don’t get lost on the road, but I think I’ll be fine._

_Thank you for everything, and I’ll see you then._

_Sincerely yours,_

_Todd._

_P.S. : I hope you didn’t lie about the fact that you can talk a little bit of french. »_

Todd let out a deep sigh almost as if he had stopped breathing the whole time he was writing the letter. Somehow, he hoped Neil would never manage to translate the french poem. Todd, on the other side, had the English translation of it. « I will not talk, I will not think of anything, but love will rise into my soul. ». Yes, pretty much how Todd felt about seeing Neil again for the first time in months.

On Thursday evening, Todd suddenly started to feel bad for lying to his friends about his summer plans. On the lunch break, he braced himself and started clumsily :

─ _Uh, guys, you- you know how I told you about this kind of summer camp ?_

─ _Oh, yeah the poetry thing or something ?_ Charlie remembered

Todd nodded before continuing :

─ _Well that’s not- uh… Not exactly where I’m heading this summer._

─ _What do you mean ?_ Charlie and the other suddenly got interested

─ _I-I couldn’t risk telling everyone before but, uh…_

He nervously laughed and continued in a whisper :

─ _I’m actually going to visit Neil._

_─ Really ?_

_─ Quiet Knox !_ Meeks scolded

─ _Yes, I’m taking a bus tomorrow,_ Todd resumed

The boy wasn’t expecting this to make his friends so happy. They joked and talked about it all day, with little to no discretion, which made Todd have a few heart attacks on the way. In the evening, they reunited in the cave and they all decided Todd would gather everything the boys wanted to give Neil : short notes, photographs, some random stuff. They even took a group polaroid photo. It was very sweet to know they still considered him a good friend.

The last exam on Friday was of course the longest one for Todd. He just could not bother to concentrate and shamelessly rushed it. He ran across the campus to his dorm, picked up his already packed bag, and barely had time to wave goodbye before heading to the train station. Once there, he kept checking his watch nervously, asked three different persons if he had the right train schedule, and walked in circles on the station platform before he saw his train slowly arriving. His heart skipped a beat. This was it. He checked his ticket one last time and finally got in. He sat by the window and the wagon was not long to leave Welton’s station. He watched the city slip away from his sight and the landscape change to something less urban. He finally realized it for good. After everything that’s happened, he was on his way to see his Neil again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hehehe my boy on his way to his boy.   
> hope this chapter wasn't too chaotic, it took me a lot of time (duh) to write it but I'm glad it's done now !   
> please don't hesitate to leave a comment so i can know what you thought about it and if you're satisfied with how the story is going. (Next chapters might have a little bit of Neil's POV because I miss him)


	8. Sharing beds

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally being able to write this part of the fic makes me so happy so I really hope you enjoy it !! (also i had no inspiration at all for the chapter title, pardon me)  
> just want to give a little warning : some stuff regarding psychological/mental distress are "briefly" mentionned in one of this chapter's dialogues. So if this is smth that might be a trigger/make you uneady, consider skipping the end dialogue, please take care <3

As soon as Todd jumped off the bus, he found himself standing alone on a tiny road up a hill, between a few trees and a lot of fields. He just stood there for a moment, appreciating the silence and the warm summer wind. He could discern the village down the hill, and even though there was only one little path, he took the map and tried to follow Neil’s annotations on it. About ten minutes later, he passed by a first house, then a second, and soon enough he arrived in the middle of a village that must have been what Neil had described in his letters. Old paved streets or sometimes just paths, tiny houses with no fences, and the tiniest church he had ever seen. Right, he just had to find the right street now, and the right house. Neil had told him it was a little secluded from the rest of the village so he wouldn’t find it in the center. The thing was, street name signs didn’t seem to be a common thing there. It took him all the courage in his heart to enter a little flower shop on the side of the street and question the middle-aged lady at the counter :

─ _Hi, uh, sorry to bother you but is- uh- do you know Miss Perry ? Lynn Perry, if I’m not mistaking._

─ _I do know Lynn_ , she answered with a fond smile, _We’re neighbors._

─ _Oh perfect !_ Todd blurted out immensely relieved, _I-I’m trying to get to her house to see her nephew but I’m uh… I’m a bit lost._

The lady had a comprehensive laugh before inviting him out and pointing a direction :

─ _You just have to walk on that little path here, turn right when you pass by the sheep, then walk down the paths and you should see two houses standing in the middle of nowhere. The one on the left is the one you’re looking for._

Todd nodded and thanked her twice before rushing towards the path she was pointing. It was barely cleared from all the wild grass growing on the sides and sometimes on the middle of it. Todd joyfully walked as fast as he could without losing his breath or twisting his ankle. He quickly passed by the herd of sheeps the lady was probably talking about and turned right. He stopped a second. It was right, was it ? Ah, no time for doubts, he was way too impatient. He rushed down the path and almost squealed when he saw the two houses. He took a deep breath and continued. The one on the left. Sure. He arrived at what looked like a lovely cottage. The light stone walls were covered with vines and various plants, and there were many little windows. He stepped into the little yard and looked around, let his bags down on the ground. He heard some hens near. It seemed like the garden didn’t even have fences. He could totally see how this place was making Neil happy, it truly was like a dream after staying so long in Welton.

─ _Hello._

He almost fell back from the surprise. He turned to yet another middle-aged woman carrying a lot of flowers in her arms, wearing a large straw hat and a welcoming smile. That must have been Lynn, Todd thought to himself. Or at least that’s precisely how Neil had described her.

─ _G-good evening, You must be- uh- Lynn Perry ?_

She nodded.

_─ I-I’m Todd_ , he introduced himself with great difficulty _, I’m a friend of Neil. He invited me there, he- he told me you were alright with the idea and, yeah he- he told you right ?_

─ _Yes Todd I believe you are impatiently awaited_ , she answered in a chuckle

Todd felt his heart speeding up.

─ _Thank you so much, and, uh- where is he ?_

_─ Not so far I believe._

She had an amused smile before the boy heard a loud cheerful exclamation :

─ _Todd !_

He barely had the time to turn around before Neil Perry in person ran to him and immediately pulled him into a tight embrace. Todd breathed out as if he’d been holding his breath all this time. He hugged back a little awkwardly at first, slowly realizing this was it, this was Neil holding him into his arms, finally. He smelled of freshly baked bread. Todd let himself fall closer against him and felt surrounded by his smell and warmth. This single moment just made the countless months of waiting worth it. He pulled back to see the boy’s radiant, unique, and friendly smile. That was the smile he’d been literally dreaming to see for so long, that was it.

─ _Hi,_ he greeted with an excited little laugh with a hand on Todd’s shoulder

Todd felt so dumbstruck he forgot how to even say hi.

─ _I made it_ , he simply stated with a little smile

─ _Of course you did !_ Neil cheered, _Well come on in now !_

He grabbed the other boy by the arm towards the little wooden door of the cottage-like house. The inside was incredibly well decorated, but not in a fancy way. More in a really cozy way. Neil kindly took all of Todd’s bags and guided him upstairs to a little room in which you could see the carpentry's beams. Todd figured it must have been some kind of attic before it was turned into a bedroom. A large mattress was standing in the middle, covered with a pile of colorful covers, next to a welcoming mess of papers and books. A large ceiling window was filling the room with the warm light of a summer evening.

─ _It’s not much but that’s where I’ve been living those past few months_ , Neil announced

─ _It’s perfect_ , Todd answered, genuinely liking the place

─ _It is, if you don’t mind sharing beds._

Todd shook his head to reassure his host. He did not mind that, they had already been sharing a dorm room for some time after all. He looked at Neil putting down his bags near the mattress and couldn’t help but smile. Their eyes met for a second when Neil turned back to him :

─ My aunt and I prepared some stuff for you to eat after your travel, are you feeling hungry ?

The latter nodded quickly and Neil took his arm again to guide him downstairs. Todd shivered subtly every time he felt his hand on his sleeve. The staircase was quite narrow. The kitchen was tiny as well, but full of light thanks to the opened window. The wall was decorated with little orange tiles around the copper sink. There were so many utensils but somehow each and every one of them had its place. A round wooden table was standing at the center, and that’s where two delicious looking cakes and a loaf of bread had been placed. 

─ _I baked some bread myself right before you arrive_ , he explained proudly, _so you have your proof that my french is as good as I claim._

He had a quick wink and Todd hoped the way he blushed wasn’t too noticeable. Oh god did Neil really speak proper french ?

─ _Bon appétit_ , he told Todd before biting into his slice of bread.

Maybe it was just to tease him, or maybe he really did. That meant he could understand the verses of the French love poem Todd had written in his last letter. Todd sighed. He didn’t feel like asking about that now. He accepted the pieces of cake and bread that the other boy gave him and forgot about his embarrassment as they both ate their snack. Neil asked a ton of questions about everything he could think of, which slowly made Todd more comfortable to talk as well. He loved the way Neil made it easier to not be so shy.

─ _You should have seen your father’s face when we all stood up on our chairs that day, I thought he was going to send us all to detention for the rest of our lives._

Neil had a light-hearted laugh.

─ _What a shame Keating had to leave but honestly, what a scene it must have been. For once, some real stuff happening at Welton ! I’m so proud of you !_

Todd chuckled, flattered, and took yet another slice of cake.

─ _You know sometimes I’d see him, your father I mean, and I’d get terrified when he looked at me-_

─ _Yeah I’d feel that often as well_ , Neil confirmed sarcastically

Todd laughed and retorqued, trying to be serious about his concerns :

─ _No, I mean I feared he would find out about the letters, about you being here._

─ _There is no way my dad would even think about asking his sister where I am though_ , Neil claimed

Todd was curious but he didn’t really dare ask more about that complicated family story. But as always Neil guessed what was going on behind his eyes and kept going :

─ _I think I was ten when they completely stopped talking to each other. I still don’t really know why, and it’s not like she had moved to another country or anything you know ? It’s just that suddenly, even mentioning her name was not allowed in the house._

─ _Your aunt didn’t explain anything ?_

Neil made a pause and sighed while cutting another piece of the chocolate cake. 

─ _Not clearly at least_ , he ended up answering, _She told me something among the lines of : « There are things your dad can’t understand about people, and he’ll never bother to try. »_

Todd shrugged :

─ _Fair enough._

There was a little silence, and Todd started regretting asking about all that. He wasn’t there to make Neil feel down for god’s sake.

─ _Do you want to see the books I brought you ?_ he tried changing the subject

─ _Absolutely !_

Once upstairs, Todd opened one of his bags and started getting a few books out of it. Neil looked like an impatient kid waiting for Christmas gifts.

─ _Here you go._

Neil had a cocky smile as he took the first book his best friend handed him :

─ _Of course. Walt Witman. And Yeats I assume ?_

─ _Am I that predictable ?_ Todd chuckled while giving him Yeats’ collection of poems titled "The Tower"

─ _Yes Dearest, you definitely are._

Todd’s face turned red in a matter of seconds. Reading « Dearest» in Neil’s letters already made him flustered enough to blush, so _hearing it_ was... something else. He wanted to hear it again but would never dare to admit it to Neil. Instead of focusing on this, he kept giving him the books he brought from the school library or from his home.

─ _Here’s the last one, I found it in the library and thought it might be interesting for you._

Todd gave him a clothbound book, quite thick, titled « _Acting as an Art through Shakespeare’s work_ ». Neil’s eyes began to shine with curiosity and excitement.

─ _Oh my, that one will probably be my bedside book forever_ , he claimed, flipping randomly through the pages

Todd watched him as he felt those usual chills in his stomach growing up in his chest. He loved to see him thrilled and interested by something, his eyes showing all his passion and his smile being the sweetest thing Todd could witness. God it was as he was falling in love all over again every time his smile would beam so much joy on his face. Every time he would look so happy, so ardently passionate. Every time he would trust him enough to share personal, intimate stuff without hesitation or regret.

─ _There’s a part on A Midsummer’s Night Dream_ , Neil pointed out

He looked up at Todd with what looked like a complicated mix of emotions in his eyes.

─ _It’s the only play I saw you in, and you- you did so well_

Neil chuckled and looked away.

─ _You’re sweet._

Todd could almost feel it in the air, the uneasy atmosphere of Neil having some unsaid things, some buried feelings about this. He wanted to say something that would make him feel safe and listened, but he was such an awkward moron. So he just sat next to Neil on the mattress and looked up to him as compassionately as he could. The latter opened his mouth but waited a moment before he finally blurted out :

─ _I couldn’t have done any other plays without you, yet you didn’t get to see any of them yet._

Todd frowned. The way Neil had chuckled sadly at the end of the sentence wasn’t good. He wasn’t sure to understand what he meant.

─ _You’re the one acting_ , Todd thought it wise to correct him, _I can’t really take any credit._

Neil looked him in the eyes with a disapproving yet amused look :

─ _But I mean if you hadn’t been there, you know, how would I even be acting ? Or just be there ?  
_

Todd didn’t answer anything. He had slow flashbacks of Neil’s runaway. It was snowing so hard that night.

─ _You know, from inside the car it felt like you were Christmas Eve’s miracle._

Todd chuckled at the joke and answered :

─ _I just- When I saw your dad, and the car, and you, I just thought I shouldn’t let you go._

Neil’s smile dropped for a much more emotional expression on his face.

─ _Thank you_.

Todd started to worry. He had that sad, apologetic smile. The one that was usually hiding all the hurting. He considered asking if the other boy was okay but that felt like a stupid thing to do. He just leaned a little closer and gave him a little smile as to say « It’s nothing ».

─ _I don’t know what I would have done you know, if I had been forced to stay in the car, you know my dad was so fucking terrifying. I just- I don’t know. I don’t know._

He had red watery eyes and Todd tried his best not to make it worst. He leaned a little closer again. Their arms brushed and Neil leaned on Todd to rest his head on his shoulder. Somehow this seemed to encourage him to continue :

─ _My dad,_ _he wanted to take me to a military school or whatever, he had already threatened me with that before. And that night I knew he was going to send me, I knew that was it. And he looked so disappointed I thought he was just gonna yell at me the whole way out but no, no he just- he stayed completely silent, because he knew I knew what was gonna happen and, and that made me want to just disappear-_

Oh god, Neil had started to cry. It has started to go dark outside but Todd could discern his face and hear well enough.

─ _I wouldn’t have survived this, I just wouldn’t have-_

─ _Neil_ …

─ _I feel like I’ll never thank you enough. For changing everything_ , he wailed softly

─ _No- Don’t say that_ , Todd mumbled clumsily

─ _I would’ve just… I don’t know Todd I think I would’ve just given up. Everything. I swear right before you stepped in front of it I had this moment in the car I just felt- I don’t know. Terrible. Like everything was falling apart right in front of me like it wasn’t worth fighting with my dad because I would never win anything and-_

He gulped difficultly and continued, articulating between the tears :

_─ And you stepped in and- It's like you took_ _me away from all that, you-_

Todd started to understand what Neil meant. Of course, he had been unable to notice how distressed Neil was back in Welton when he had started to face his strict father, but it was pretty clear now. Neil’s dreams and passion were truly what he lived for, he knew that. Seems only fair he could have wanted to die for them as well. Todd simply opened his arms and held Neil silently in the dark, ignoring the heat of the summer. He tried breathing slowly when Neil pressed his face in the crook of his neck.

─ _You don’t know how much it means,_ Neil breathed out the end of his sentence

─ _I do_ , Todd reassured him immediately and started stroking his back slowly with his thumb _, I do now that you’ve told me._

He wanted to tell him that he was sorry he had to go through such psychological torment just because his dreams would get crushed whenever he talked about them with his parents. That he didn’t have to apologize for such intense feelings and fears. That he meant the world, still.

─ _Sorry_ , Neil chuckled to break the silence

─ _It’s okay- you don’t have to apologize l-like this._ Todd tried his best to make his words make sense _, Not to me, ever._

Neil held him a little closer, a little tighter. It seemed like he had stopped crying now. He seemed better. Todd kept him close to make sure he really was. He remembered times when Neil had comforted him, cheered him up. Like that time on his birthday when he threw his desk set away and seemed to have the most careless attitude ever. Todd knew it was not always the case. Neil was such a free spirit, yet sometimes he cared so much, so deeply.

─ _I really missed you_ , Neil said keeping his voice very low

This made Todd’s heart melt with emotion. God so did he.

─ _Me too._

Neil got back slowly, and when Todd got a look at his face, tears were gone, it was his usual loveable smirk again.

─ I want to show you something before we get something to eat, he teased as he just turned around on the bed.

Todd imitated him and looked up where the other boy was pointing. His jaw slightly dropped as he noticed all the stars he could see through the ceiling window.

─ _No light pollution…_ He figured

─ _So much prettier right ?_

Todd looked down to see Neil’s amazed face turned to the night sky.

─ _Yeah_ , he answered without looking up

He stayed next to him sat on the mattress they would be sharing all summer, thinking about everything that just happened. And he figured that in the end, the only thing he should have said was "I love you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hahaha this is cHEESY. But come on, that's what those 7 previous chapters were for : even more slow burn and mutual pinning now that they've reunited-  
> Next chapter will be with Neil's POV though !  
> I really hope you liked that chapter, please let me know by leaving a comment (if you want)  
> Thanks so much for reading, I'll try to post the next chapter as soon as I can !


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